Sanity Talks and Princeton?

Feeling A Little: Anxious
Playing A Little: Every Time by Lincoln Hawk (It was on Gossip Girl)
Recommending A Little: Cash Cash

I am a basket case. It is decided. I have decided that instead of singing about it I will fix it. I don't know how because I don't notice half the time. I want to fix it more than anything in the world right now though because I was reading old emails from grade 9 and I miss how Batman and I were. I remember racing to her house as soon as my luggage was in my room (well and half of it didn't even make it that far). Then I became who I am now. I realize that in grade 9 I was totally different, I could care less if I got 94 or 95. I was a lot more carefree, I didn't struggle to juggle work, school, friends and my sanity. It seems I have been doing a fine job juggling three of the four.

My friends may be pissed at me often but I never say no. I work all week and have homework to do but I still manage to at least be awake when they are over. Most of November and December they were over or I was doing something with them every weekend. Needless to say when someone offers me a reprieve I take it. Feeling horrible for about three minutes until I pass out. Then on the Monday I am told that Batman is banned from my house because I sent her home at 12. I don't understand and thought that maybe her mother needed time to think about it. I have come home later than that some nights. I understand that yes Batman was going to sleep over but I wasn't consulted and always try to play good host. She offered to go home and almost as soon as they left I was asleep.

Batman and I were on the outs for a bit. Me. I just don't know how to deal anymore. I blame and blame and blame but it has gotten me nowhere. I think some of the reasons I feel like I do is because I just put way too much stress on my shoulders. I have to be little miss perfect. Every time I look in the mirror I don't see perfection so I want to be it. The smartest, the friendliest...etc. I can't though. I am not the smartest. When I want to be I can be pretty damn knowledgeable but I am never going to be the best. I am definitely not going to be the friendliest because I just am not very socially adept. The one thing though is I always feel like I have to be the world's best friend or I am not going to have a friend. I have realized that trying to be the world's best friend has made me the world's worst. I try to please because someone is going to be upset if I don't. I have realized sacrificing everything for someone has made me old Zoe.

The thing I am going through now is the exact same thing I went through in grade 5. I don't know why this time is the problem. I used to want to give up and end it all then because I was teased mercilessly at school. Now people like me and if they ever tried to tease me like they used to I am pretty sure I have some awesome people who would happily make them eat their words. Its just hard to realize sometimes that people have other things to worry about than how I look or how I act.

I am a do it yourself type of person but it seems this time I need to suck it up and get help. For the past few days I have been trying to convince myself that I could fix this myself but in reality it has been tried and failed. Now I need to suck it up and just get 'er done. The sooner I know what I am feeling and why the sooner I can fix it and get everything back to normal. I want to miss Batman like crazy when she is gone because we always have so much fun together. I don't want to feel like having friends is a chore. I used to want nothing more than my friends. Now I don't know what I want.

Any ways lets get away from my sanity. University. I sincerely think I am on drugs in this aspect of life. Dream school has officially been given up on. Beautiful, amazing and one of the highest in academics but not for me. Oxford can have me. They have the perfect scholarship and until I am ready for that I have Princeton's bizarre financial assistance. Princeton essentially pays for like everything. No idea how to get it but I qualify in like every aspect. Weird. I suppose that New Hampshire would be cool to live in. Maybe Rick Mercer can mistake me for an American for Talking to Americans. That is totally off topic and years ago but come on dream come true. It would take my sarcasm skills to a whole new level of awesome. Well and maybe perhaps I am a little too obsessed with Gossip Girl...

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

In which Zoe rants about Edward, Luke, Cratippus and Chuck

Feeling A Little: Stressy (In the non Zoe way, its Xmas and hell)
Playing A Little: Jizz in my Pants by The Lonely Island
Recommending A Little: [Title of Show] Its a musical and I have to say the best song is Die Vampire, Die.

I realized the other day that I am in fact that silly teenage girl who fantasizes about that imaginary/famous guy. Chuck Bass is that guy, the TV Chuck Bass because although the book Chuck has a sweet monkey he is a little too weird for me. I seriously did it at first just because it was fun joking with Batman and then... it started. I started like actually planning it out. Then thank god I saw reason. In the form of me doing my really depressed no guy will ever like me thing. Well it was then when I realized that probably not when you are actually convincing yourself that you are inexplicably in love with a fictional character. So life lesson... whatever number we are all it, like 8993, fictional characters are there to be drooled at not to marry you. You are never going to marry them. If you do kudos, make sure to have that lawyer on speed dial when he realizes how creepy in love you are with him. Edward Cullen, girls does not exist. If he did he is so perfect you would probably kick his ass for being such a jerk.

On the Edward Cullen kick, which sadly I paid into for a Christmas present, why does he sound so attractive to so many. Like my favorite, I wish he was real guy is Luke Brandon. God knows he isn't perfect, come on he married Becky Bloomwood! Any ways he is the sweetest guy ever to put up with her and he just is perfect. But not in the creepy Edward Cullen way. Edward Cullen is described as being absolutely perfect. He doesn't want to harm Bella, he would sacrifice everything for her, including the romance. Who wants someone like that? I want Luke Brandon who like freaks on his ex for making his wife upset, while his wife is faking labour mind you. Edward just scowls and does nothing. Or watches his wife basically dying in birth.

I just think that being Edward Cullen should not be expected of boyfriends. I wouldn't want an Edward Cullen, maybe for like 2 seconds but all his whining and "I'm too dangerous" would get to me and I don't care if I broke my hand I would punch him in the face just for the satisfaction. He is supposed to be uber sexy but maybe its just me but cold, white skin is kind of a turn off. The eye thing is pretty sweet but he sounds really annoying. To see the full extent of his annoyingness read: "New Moon." He just tones it down in the other 3.

Now enough of my blathering about guys, fictional ones at that. I have begin to become recreepy again and imagining weird situations in which I meet my Cratippus (future husband, with a different name obviously). It ends with me imagining my little boys (no girls sadly it is forseen). Weirdly enough they have kind of taken a presence in my mind. My little Darth, Lionel, Davus and Wolfgang Rolf. I actually like really want 4 little boys now. Bizzare right.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Internet: Evil, Impersonal and Zombie

Feeling A Little: Virtually Rejected
Playing A Little: Like A Prayer by Rufio
Recommending A Little: Life (The TV show because its fun)
Recommending A Little Music: We the Kings

So I added someone on Facebook and was greatly disappointed when they rejected my friend request. I'm sorry but I have added people that I know by like one friend and maybe one day I said hi to or sat next to during some class but didn't realize they were there. I let them see my deep dark personal life... okay so being pissed off my sister is not really deep or dark but its not something I yell standing on tables. Back to be rejected... it feels nicer on the internet.

Maybe my teacher aunt who apparently hates kids and everything they stand for yet teaches 8th grade, was right. The internet is very impersonal. Now I don't go around internet dating because I sure as hell don't live in Arizona nor have a hot bod and who is to say that 19/m/cal is actually 19 or male. I do have blonde hair though. I am also not a 18 year old living in her own apartment typing in lace panties. Those conversations are fun especially if you make up some obscene costume that makes no sense to wear while on an internet chat room probably talking to some fat, bald 50 year old man.

Internet... It is very impersonal though especially if you never see the person. The rejection feels like oh well I'll get the next "Person You Might Know" It'll make you fall in love all over if you delete a few people. More random people to see if they will add you. I have some random chick in the UK who is my friend. We have never talked or even actually acknologed we are friends. Its an odd internet relationship.

The internet is a weird place full of random people who think they know you and even more random people who think you are lounging around in a matching pink lace panty and bra set while typing to someone that yes of course you will run off and marry them. When really you are eating chocolate in a paint stained pair of sweats and laughing hysterically at the idiocy at people on the internet.

Going on the internet seems to kill brain cells. So stop it. Eat fish while going on the internet to counter act the evil of the internet.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Future May Be Foggy But You Are Definately There

Feeling A Little: Nostalgic
Playing A Little: Thank You For The Music from Mamma Mia
Recommending A Little: Wall-e (The movie rocks man, best in years)

I have just come from reading Batman's blog (http://photographicmemory4.blogspot.com/) and it in all seriosity made me cry. As much as I do want to get out of this godforsaken town it holds too many memories. I had the best years of my life. Nothing can top my best friends I am sure. Now I cry so much when thinking about leaving because I hear about people at like 50 reconnecting with their friends from high school and I don't want that. I understand everyone goes on to make new friends but seriously mine are the best and I don't want to let them go for some girl who is afraid to tell me exactly what she thinks of me or there to try to mend the biggest problems.

My friends tell me exactly what they think. It is expected. We have our secrets but eventually we discover them and then laugh or go into a deep discussion at 1 in the morning. Everyone changes, people grow apart but if we can stay together through all of this I just hope we can stay together through whatever idiocy lays ahead for us to grow into.

One day we will all have families, including Instead and Dokkie-. One day the sound of little feet will be heard around our houses, some may be puppies or kitties though in the case of the boys. One day we will have a close friend who lives only a few houses down. On that day though I hope after I have tucked up my kids (because well I want them.) I end up video chatting or on the phone with all four. I don't want to let them go and frankly I'm not going to... well maybe if they are like "Zo um Zoe let go right now or I am going to make you and not very nicely."

If we ever do drift apart I'll may even name my kid Lionel or nickname my first one Darth (Its just cruel to make that his name). Actually if we stay close as always I probably will be asleep when the nurse brings the birth certificate and Batman will end up naming him Darth Vader. :D

Friends come and go but mine helped me through the rough patches and helped me patch up old rough patches that are a bitch and just keep coming back. They helped me become who I really am. I was me before but I was just hiding behind my problems and they pushed them out of the way and went stop being an idiot and lets go pickle people. They taught me stupid social rules that make no sense because seriously I really would give someone chocolate after a breakup. If someone gave me chocolate I'd be happy. Come on chocolate. Relationships have stupid rules.

Batman and I are really very much alike. Scarily at times really. I think we are twins that if are too far apart bleed inwardly... sorry needed that Jane Eyre reference. We were both oddly serious but now we can be serious but not all the time. Now we run around throwing pickles at people. I never thought I would ever find that best friend people used to talk about but I found a better one. She is most definately better than my sister.

Now if we ever grow apart I am sure at 80 we'll find out way to the same nursing home and end up on rocking chairs reminding Dokkie- about the Mexican coke bottle and laughing histerically as he still cringes. We'll end up remembering all the good times. We'll end up actually doing Instead's Hot n' Cold dance.

All in all I am scared of losing them but one day if they are ever lost I'll find 'em again. Because friends may come and go but these ones may just be crazy enough to want to hang out together. We can be the crazies in the insane asylum. :D

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

In which Zoe is insane and wishes to be a vampire.

Feeling A Little: Sick.
Playing A Little: Never Let You Go by Third Eye Blind
Recommending A Little: True Blood because who doesn't love sexy, blood thirsty vampires.

So I have discovered that in the world of blogs mine frankly is below par. We aren't playing golf either so that's not quite a good thing. Which randomly I must wonder why do we refer to something awesome as above par because par makes me think golf and above par in golf isn't good. Or maybe I am a crazy person who only knows about swimming rules. Any who back to my blog... hmm maybe that is why my blog is lacking I kind of just go off on a random rant. Random rants are fun but mine are out to lunch. Being out to lunch is always fun though... good food.

Okay to my recommendations now that I am done feeling sorry for my poor lonely, cold blog. Being sick in bed gives you a lot of spare time where all you do is lie there and just stare at the ceiling or sleep. Now I do sleep a lot but when sick if I am left to think I think about what ever hurts or is causing me such misery so I watch TV. I watch a lot of really boring, puts me out instantly TV which is good because sleep is good. Unfortunately I found a good TV show. Now shh I watched it on Megavideo and Supernova so it wasn't exactly on TV. Any ways Twilight loving people skip happily ahead and ignore my next paragraph.

Seriously Twilight is like a sucky True Blood. True Blood is all political and has that little "No matter who you are you should have the same rights" message which makes it fun and interesting, especially because everyone has that southern accent. Twilight I suppose is more teenagery but in the end nothing was accomplished. Two people fell in love and had a baby. My parents did the same thing. They are not the most interesting people in the world and maybe the falling out of love would make a good book (my parents are insane literally) but the falling in love is all the same. Okay enough about the boringness. Any who Twilight is all no I can't be in love with a vampire but alas I am and my best friend hates him because he is a werewolf and oh my, my best friend is in love with me. True Blood is like the exact same with the Vampire having insane friends and the girl being so weird its fun. Twilight like stole True Blood and decided to make it less obvious by taking out all the good interesting parts.

Now I sound odd because yes I did once like Twilight but it was my guilty pleasure. It was one of those books that you know is atrocious but it grabs you and holds on until you finish it. Then once your done you walk away thinking that you were insane to read those books. It isn't complex with twists and turns. It is like when you start only reading novels and once in awhile you pick up that picture, childrens book and read it just to be like "YEAH! I totally rock at reading." It makes you feel special because its like the easiest read in the world and so it makes you feel overly smart. Twilight is like that picture book for teens... without pictures... and with overly perfect characters which make you feel no attachment at all.

So yep I have a little bit of this vampire fever. I actually always have had this thing for vampires (not a dirty thing). I watch something with vampires and I have this want to have those fangs I constantly run my tongue over my teeth wishing I had awesome teeth. Yes I would be condemned to spending eternity on earth and have to kill people but I would be awesome forever. Plus I don't think I would get as hung up as some people do on turning people. If I loved the dude he would be a vampire and he could just get over it. If he didn't get over it then he can go pine over some stupid mortal girl and go through that stupid "should I turn them" phase. I would just be like fuck it you're a vampire now get over it. Then I also would be stupid enough to watch anyone I loved dearly die. Like Batman, Instead and Dokkie- would totally be vampires. I think we would be a bunch of pretty sweet vampires too.

Apparently it is Vampire Week in my head... Fun fun. I so wish they had kept Moonlight. Yes they were stupid enough to get the two main characters together within a couple episodes but oh what a stupid 80 year old vampire can do. The vampire fever sure is sweet, because like vampires are ever ugly... or at least the good ones. ;)

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Breaking Up With a BFF

Feeling A Little: Worried
Playing A Little: Headlight Disco by The Click Five
Recommending A Little: Sleep it helps everyone.

My dad is in the hospital waiting on the word of a surgeon and all I can think about is this mess that my friendship is laying in. God we all need a break and whether that break may be a few months, a few years or the rest of my life that is fine. I have the memories. I have had just about the greatest 4 years of my life. Its funny really that it ends now and at 4 years. We have that stupid religion and really if you think about it things happen quite a lot in 4s.

It hurts really to say that it needs to end. We were odd enough to plan a future. We gave me a future I think. I never had a plan, never had anything to strive for. Now I have my goal and how to get there. Many good things came out of this relationship and yes I am sorry that my kids may not get to know an Aunty Batman and may not be called horrible torturous names that would have them beaten up in school.

The time has come though. We held on so tight and its all unraveling and neither of us can catch it before it falls away. Friendships come and go and this is one that made it through the absolute worst but couldn't survive other tests. Really my heart is breaking and no matter what horrible things I try to convince myself of her she still was the best person I ever knew.

I think of stupid things like how she has my books or I have something of hers. How we are going to break it to everyone, teachers especially because we have been as good as sisters. How we are never going to be phoning each other excited or disappointed over university acceptance. How I might be able to actually afford university because I won't have a 4 million dollar phone bill each month. We had so many things, so many memories that I don't ever want to forget but just for this moment I do. I want to forget the last 4 years if only to let my heart mend.

We were the idiots who threw junior mints at cars, incestual lesbians, the ones who woke up at 4: 44 on the 4th of April to celebrate a made up religion, the ones who go to learning conferences convinently right when Social is, the ones who were insperable, the ones who were as close a sisters, the ones who had the friendship that everyone had, the ones who would have done anything for the other. We were the best of friends. All things come to an end and unfortunately its the best things.

I love her to death and one day maybe when we are 40 and taking a stroll down memory lane we can get back in touch and not remember why it fell it apart but that we were the best of friends. We can remember how stupid we were at 16 to give it up. Friends are few and far between and you have to hold on tight, but sometimes you just have to let go.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

The best of our times: http://photographic-memory-.piczo.com/?g=24663751&cr=6

A Rant... A really long get your crap out there rant. About everything it seems.

Feeling A Little: Cold: Friggen cold actually.
Listening To A Little: We Belong Together by The Parselmouths
Recommending A Little: The Summer Set (Fun and upbeat.)

Okay so mental breakdowns have become like a part of my life. I sit and sob and am stupid enough to think that running away to Victoria to live with my mentally unstable mother is a good idea. Retarded enough to plan a friggen future in Victoria. WTF? (No offense to those Victoria lovers/ Victoria livers (what are they called?) but Canada/ Victoria is not for me) So I had a whole hard core high school plan and everything planned out. Well until my father gave me a much needed reality check. Now I am yet again shipped off to my psychologist. We are going to be BFFs by the time I get out of GP.

Fights with Batman usually bring upon the breakdown. I know that its a horrible thing to say but I am fine and dandy pushing everything to the side until BAM! She is being all... bitchy I suppose would be the nice way to put it. Then well everything that has been going wrong or stressing me out just cascades down and I am sitting on a bus in tears. Or in this weeks case walking in -4 Celsius weather walking for 45 minutes home. I know it makes me seem like a baby and childish but really it gives me a new perspective when I am all done with being an absolute antisocial freak. Plus what am I suppose to do when everything that I built a neat little brick wall around gets viciously torn down.

I do everything for my friends. I would probably stab myself with a knife if it would make them happy. Right now it seems that it would certainly solve problems. Seriously I will shuffle around work I will paste a stupid grin on my face to try to make them happy. I will be the friend Zoe. That little me is slowly becoming me which is quite alarming because well she is abandoning all her prudish manners that made her little serious Zoe.

I love Batman to death I really do but it is really really hard to be perfect. I feel that I have to be. I know I can be smarter than her and we compete. I know that maybe she will be a famous writer that while I am wrestling little boys into strollers so that mummy can choose a book. Maybe she will be that girl that I can say I knew her once in high school. I wish I could be a high powered career woman but all I really want in the whole world is my own house to clean and children to wrestle into PJ's at bedtime. It may seem a waste for someone so "smart" and "caring" and "ambitious" to only want to be a housewife but really that seems like the perfect job for me. Batman seems to have it planned out. Nothing can happen she is invincible. I have realized that I'm not invincible. I wish I was. I wish I could get up and go at it again but I have my imperfections and it just so happens that my brain absolutely shuts down if something unplanned happened.

Sure I can be spontaneous but I have certain things I have to get done and allotted times. I even have allotted times for being spontaneous. Not quite spontaneous... I plan days I won't be at school. Like when I did have my little mental breakdown I sat through math going okay I am going to go home at lunch and then sleep and then explain to my father why I am home. Then the next day as soon as I was all weepyish it was okay walk home, email teachers, phone mum to talk it out and then sleep. Okay so sometimes things can get pushed aside like when I start crying over thinking about homework so teachers can't get emailed.

I suppose I can spend my time in the library among my books. I suppose I do need to focus more on my studies. Dad got his wish. I have friends but my best friends.... I love them to death. Funny how this seems to happen. I bring a group of random people together to be really good friends then my personality wrecks me being in the group. (Okay so I am being all downery here but well its happened before) I try. Oh god only knows how hard I try. Goodness God is probably sending me to hell for how hard I try. I love them to death as I haven't any other of my friends. I in no way wish that I was dealt a different hand.

I just have hard time balancing it all. Work Zoe, School Zoe, Friend Zoe, Zoe Zoe. Zoe Zoe has been feeling a little left out. School Zoe either goes to Friend Zoe or Work Zoe. Work Zoe that stupid bubbly person who loves everyone even that woman who has been fishing in her purse for 20 minutes. School Zoe is very similar to Work Zoe. Happy go lucky to everyone (except when No Sleep Zoe comes out) but really would rather be anywhere but where she is. Friend Zoe is the pleaser. She just wants her friends to be happy no matter what. That Zoe is a like a new Zoe altogether it seems. Its hard to explain but little Zoe Zoe gets all her personal secrets that make her blush just thinking about half of them. Now Batman has to be even more pissed because my soul hasn't been spilled.

I have too many Zoe it seems. Wow this rant is becoming really long and has gotten nowhere. I just really needed to spill my guts to someone other than the other me. God I sound like I have mental problems that need to be sorted out. I need a fucking breather. From being me. Seriously I have started walking to get into a better shape and even stuck my fingers down my throat a few time. How that works I don't know. I gag but I think I just have this thing where I won't throw up no matter what. Too much gossip girl I guess but it seems to work. I love me but not the body of me. Sex talks make me self conscious because I think about how no one wants to see anything under my shirt.

I think I am a creepy sex addict but not. Its kind of odd. The crap I read cannot be healthy sex. Well its not healthy sex because if that it health someone needs to redefine healthy. BDSM could I suppose be very bonding (ha ha I love that pun) but hopefully not the ones I read. Now people know who I am so I am not going to reveal what I read its really embarrassing the stories I like.

Its like a spill all your secrets night for me apparently. Yay! :P This is all going to come and bite me in the ass one day. Although one thing for Batman to remember I haven't been on mugglenet since she banned me (April Fools I was told I was allowed). Its quite amazing too. I think she banned me off of TLC too but HPANA will have to suffice then I suppose. Endless amounts of websites I could get my HP news from. And if banned from all Google is still fucking amazing. That was a sad cry to take me back. HP. I am really pathetic.

Anywho I said I was cold at the beginning and I still am. Just to let you know if you are dedicated enough to read this much of my crap. I don't know how to be more happy. I suppose I attempted it here. I loved me oh right thats not a good thing either... damn okay uhhuhhuhh... Dokkie- gets all odd when I go on about how amazing he is. Instead just insults me it seems but its his way of love... he is pretty fantastic at insults though.

Well this is just dragging on because I had more dark secrets to spill but I chickened.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Loner Loser Rant

Feeling A Little: Loner Loserish
Playing A Little: My Freeze Ray by Neil Patrick Harris
Recommending A Little: Dr. Horrible's Sing- A- Long Blog
Recommending A Little Music: The Academy Is... (New and Old)

Okay so I have decided that it would be completely loserish to go through high school without having a boyfriend, even though we would almost definitely break up at the end of grade 12. I have always had this odd thing where I like a guy to like a guy then I tell Batman and I think there is a curse on telling her. He either turns out to be a creepy, or not single. Just my luck eh? But I think I just choose some random guy to have a crush then kind of be like oh that was stupid. Why I feel the need for a boyfriend I don't know but I suppose I would like to actually feel what its like to be in a relationship. Hopefully I am more relationship savvy than eeGore, if he bugs you logic dictates that you break up with him even if you have plans to play a video game 2 weeks from that date.

Any who my love woes are just an odd quirk of mine. Should work on that because really I am just fine in all my wonderful singleness but I don't know I guess it would be nice to be that girl who gushes about her boyfriend or complains because... he forgot the 4 months 2 weeks and 3 day anniversary. Okay well I am probably not very much like that but it just seems so lame not to date in high school.

On another note I am actually speaking to my father again. Of course we had this big long argument which ended with me sobbing and him hugging me. Suppose that is a step up though because it was almost a week since I had last talked to him. We have an odd relationship. Really odd.

Now there was not much more to this blog other than a little loner loser rant. I need to become more normal I think.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

In Which I Go On A Rant

Feeling A Little: Blah.
Playing A Little: That Sinking Feeling by Emma- Lee
Recommending A Little: Dirty Sexy Money. An amusing TV show that just gets better as the episodes go on.
Recommending A Little Music: The Cab

This week was very quick. September was even quicker. Now I can officially say the school year has begun when the days begin to melt into weeks and the weeks, months. I can't really complain about that because its not like I mind the school year being over insanely fast. One thing I will complain about is now begins my father's insisting about university and all that crap. Right now I am hiding in my room because after our last argument I really would rather not see him happy. He is being a complete ass about this university thing. He made his mistakes and that is that but I am NOT him. I am completely different and really now I am going to end up in the same boat he is in if he does not stop with all this pressure. Why would I go to school if all I do can be done better? Yes I slack but sometimes I do put my full in and this year I am attempting to do that more. But my father doesn't know how I work even though he tries.

On that he always preaches that I can be anything I want to be, that is something that earns lots of money. I proposed going to study Classics at Cambridge and apparently that is taking the easy way out. Yes I find Latin relatively easy to study but it does get hard at the higher levels, especially since part of classics is Greek and I have no course for Greek. Oh and how am I going to make money with such a degree? Why not work in a place that I fall in love with every time it is on TV? Working at the British Library would be like a dream come true. The history (and dirty underwear, it was what paper was made out of) would be wonderful and true I wouldn't be on my way to being a millionaire working there but I would be happy and have a lifetime supply of books.

French is acceptable though. I could get a high paying job in a French based career, so its fine. I do love french the way it flows and how I could actually get along with it, but Latin has such a history. I love the Roman Empire and Latin helps in history. Sure the French have history but does it stretch thousands of years back, are election slogans still inscribed on walls in french? No and its fun reading about the people, and read old texts in the way they were intended to be read. Maybe I would even rewrite those Latin textbooks, possibly attempt to make the girls look like girls. It would be fun to write those stories too because I swear the people at Oxford were like what would be the oddest thing for Quintus and his father to do? Their answer was obviously standing and staring at a building or having some drunk tell them to go away. Yes Latin most likely will not be making a come back but there is still so much more to learn and a huge part of history is written in it.

Okay. Now I think I am done my rant. It pisses me off though how I have to make tons of money doing what ever I decide to do to be successful. You watch those textbooks will be so fucking fantastic that everyone buys one even if they have no desire to read/learn Latin. Then I will have tons of money. Again I must pull myself from a rant. Basically that is what my week has been like though. One hit after another (don't even ask about that Math test) and Batman is pissed off because I am being too pessimistic. I do believe I have been okay at not revealing too much of how I feel. I have been a tumble of emotions that would most likely cause a huge fight between Batman and I if I was to let them do anything but sit in that corner.

But my week has not been all horribleness because Batman, Instead and I went to a football game. It was an absolute blast. I cannot wait to go to another one. My dedication is not so much that I would go to an away game but it is fun because Instead cheers when his players are hurt and Batman tries to follow the game. I enjoy dancing to the music and getting hit by Batman for being a retard. Twas funny though when the players (2 of them) were dancing on the field. It was quite fun to see that the other players did not find it as funny. High school football games make me feel more teenagerish.

Randomly because this like just happened. My power went off. Tis fun. I should be careful this doesn't get deleted because I have wireless internet so I am no longer connected (the box plugs into the wall). This amusing though because I am sitting in the dark with my laptop as my only light. I have no natural light though because a few weeks ago I smashed a hole in the window. Okay now this is being stupid. I think the power should return now so I can post this insanely long thing.

Before the power was going out I was going to go on this blah thing I have about guys. Maybe it is because I am very self conscious but it is getting slightly annoying. I seem to only be able to talk to gay guys. I don't know what my big deal is about having a boyfriend but it just seems to be the ultimate loserish thing to not date in high school. Okay so realistically I have 2 years to go until I am crowned the ultimate loser but at this rate that crown is totally mine! This is sort of random but every once and a while I just randomly think about things like that.

Okay so the power is still gone so I shall save (on my computer) until it is back but I have blathered on enough.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

If My Life Was A Book...

Feeling A Little: Content
Playing A Little: Catastrophe by Forever The Sickest Kids
Recommending A Little: Georgia Nicholson by Louise Rennison
Recommending A Little Music: Forever The Sickest Kids

Okay so a friend of mine, Batman (we need nicknames, easier to refer to each other) is forcing me to finish "Stop in the name of pants" which is an amazing book. Although in my reading endeavor I have discovered that if I wrote such a book it would probably be very much along the same lines of that book. Yes I am not often in the bakery of lurve but the insane things my friends and I do would probably equate to such a book. It would probably carry a "R" rating but would oddly be packed full of the same drama. Maybe if it was in the past it would be a slit your wrists sort of book but now? Insanity.

We probably have enough inside jokes to start a new language and can sit around doing nothing and randomly end up with some story. As the years pass we have matured and our jokes I suppose have done the opposite. The sexual innuendos have increased though. The little grade 8 me would probably be shocked to hear me voice half of the things I do. I still restrain myself because really I don't think it would be appropriate for me to reveal some of the things I know. How I obtained my sexual knowledge I suppose is not important, I still seem to have a little prude in me.

I think we even have a little sex scale started too. We have a race right now, Batman obviously in the lead and shall win. Dokkie- is totally in last but Instead is sitting very near to him. I am sure when Instead finds someone and stops wanting perfection will totally surpass our dear Dokkie-. Our Dokkie- kind of, well him and sex, really don't seem to equal out right now. Me and sex. Maybe when I get out of the teenage slump I will get better but I am in no rush and highly doubt that I will win the race to be the first. Mostly because I could care less.

I'll be busy later in life with what seems to be my million and one children. So far the count is 4, Darth, Lionel, Davus and Wolfgang Rolf. Seriously what Batman wants to call them. I suppose if I don't marry a guy named Albus Severus he'll be my 5th. Not very quanzistical but that'll be my brood. This girl at work is like uber excited for me to have kids. I told her to wait 15 years but apparently I am just going to forget school and become a mother. I really do want to be a mother but well I have my fears and not like I had much of a motherly figure.

School seems to be school as always and English is getting more and more unbearable. I am going through my monthly/ random boy thing I go through. I wistfully wish I had a boyfriend, this is usually brought on by facebook updates, songs and books. Having a boyfriend has so many negatives I don't know why on earth I would want one. I suppose my brain really has no control over raging teenage hormones though. Okay on second thought my brain has full control, WTF brain.

I seem to be getting a lot of money too. I babysit, I get a random check from coaching and work pays me. Its wonderful really because I am getting a new nano and of course I need money to buy it and the millions of new songs I am going to cram it full of. I did though accidently on purpose spend like a bazillion dollars at work because we had this big blow out sale. Cannot wait until it is over. Saturday was the busiest day ever and only 2 of us were working. People are retarded the prices went down from $80 to like $20 and people are like well do you get 80% off of that. It was like obviously not we do actually want to earn money from this. I do think my boss should give me extra money for working that day. It was hell literally.

I am running out of things to talk about and do believe that I have filled my quota for this blog. Random crap 99% Introduction lines 1%. Now I bet you are like "wow I wish I could get those 5-10 minutes of my life back." Unfortunately you cannot. I am sorry but I am not magic. Even if I did warn you that this blog was crap you would read it anyways so it would be a waste of internet space.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

I Don't Want To Make Her Happy

Feeling A Little: Annoyed
Playing A Little: All My Loving by Jim Sturgess (Across the Universe)
Recommending A Little: Watch Greek is all I can say. Awesome show.
Recommending A Little Music: Taylor Swift

I am seriously getting a little annoyed. Did not know there was a Viagra site, and never particularly wanted to. Yet everyday I get an email about how I could be rock hard again and make her happy. It is a little annoying because it gets delivered right to my inbox no matter how hard I try to convince hotmail it is in fact unwanted.

Anywho there was not much more to this blog other than me having to rant about those ridiculous emails. I have recently discovered though that Taylor Swift is coming out with a new album in November. Having listened to her since Tim McGraw first came out I greatly enjoy her music. I am not really a Romeo and Juliet fan type person because Romeo is a retard, but her new Love Story song is wonderful! I did enjoy Teardrops on my Guitar and really have enjoyed Our Song since her album came out.

Totally going to a new paragraph and everything I need to address something that bugs me greatly. Why is it that as soon as a video is played on basically any channel for a song that song is the new it thing? Like I had heard these songs on the radio a few times but once it hit TV BAM! hit. Although All Time Low has yet to make it big and I would like them too so I can get a new fucking CD. A little emotional about my favorite band there.

Wow this is like one of the first times this blog is actually about music. :D It is really surprising. Now watch I cursed it and will have to change the name to "OMG I LOVE THE JONAS BROTHERS!" and only bather about them. Uck. If I ever do that leave angry comments.

So the other day I was watching Brokeback Mountain because well I had never seen it and well wanted to know what the fuss is about. Oh my I wish I had watched it when Heath Ledger was alive because I would have doubled my stalking. The movie made like no sense maybe it was because Batman was hollering from the next room or maybe it was because Fruitopia was brushing my hair and talking about who knows what but all I know was I saw a lot of naked people. Some naked people I really did not actually ever want to see, clothed or naked.

Now for some more cursing I totally did my nails in a super cute french manicure and they look so pretty. I am proud I managed to grow them out and hopefully break my nail biting habit. Horrible habit by the way that I only started because I thought it hurt when you cut them. I was 6, cutting hair hurt. But now hopefully I broke the habit.

I really wish I could invent a time machine and visit the past me. Actually that might hurt though. I would totally slap myself. When I was younger all I cared about was that my clothes were clean and easy to get dirty and I was flexible on the clean part. Now my clothes have to be clean, my nails nice and painted, makeup on and my hair done. Back then I could care less what I looked like, now I really do wish to look nice and love being told I smell nice (that seems to come naturally though...).

Now without an outro:

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

Seemed Only Yesterday

Feeling A Little: Overworked
Playing A Little: Love Song by Taylor Swift
Recommending A Little: Jodi Picoult,her books are AMAZING. My Sister's Keeper, Nineteen Minutes and The Pact are my favorites! (Figure after Dexter last week I should do a recommendation about something other than music as well.)
Recommending A Little Music: Something Corporate and Hit The Lights (Indecision got me to put both. Both awesome, different sounds so check them out.)

Recently I read this avatar, funny what can come of those things, and it scared me to death. I know it is a little odd but it was talking about finishing school and losing touch with friends and all that jazz, but it scared the pants off of me. I love my friends to death and never ever in a million years want to lose them. I still have 2 more years of school and who knows maybe I never get to University and instead die. But you never know what fate has in store for you and I am sure my Karma is not so hot. Okay so the possibility of me dying is very low so I am going to assume I am going to get to University. If I was the type of person who was awesome at keeping in touch I don't think I would worry but I rarely have the patience for a whole email and MSN gets boring and impersonal. Where I want to go and where my friends are going phone bills would be insane! I suppose though for them I could break my habit, but what's to say that they don't go off partying with guys or are overwhelmed by the Uni course load. I must say I am little bit of a pessimist and always have to have something to worry about.

Also my little sister, making me feel pathetic got drunk before me. I got totally smashed and couldn't walk but still, makes me a little loserish. I smacked her repeatedly for getting drunk at 12 and told her never again. It made me miss that little girl who I used to yell at for not cleaning her half of the room, who used to be found in the morning curled up with the dog (usually this was a bad sign, the permenent red marker incident has to be the number one memory), or the little girl who I helped hold my youngest sister when she came home. I was her age it seems like yesterday. I met my best friend and I loosened up. I began on my little journey to the Zoe I am today, she isn't allowed too. I wish sometime even if it meant giving up everything I hold so dear to me now, that we could go back to digging in the garden and having that cute little girl 4 again and my youngest 1 again. They were cute then and we had a good time, no psycho parents and naiveity that came with that age.

Woah my mood may say overworked but it seems I am more taking a walk down memory lane. I do feel supremely overworked though. I have had to do little breathy things to calm down and stay focused. Work and school keep me insanely busy which often leads to mental breakdowns. This year though I have decided that it is really not that important. I am important and my brain likes to be calm. As I mentioned before I worry and worry and worry. If I have nothing to worry about I worry about what I might be forgetting to worry about. Probably not heathly but I have always done it and although at times I probably freak myself out I usually end up remembering something important.

This blog is not going to be very long and most likely going to end after this paragraph because its early in the morning and I need to get off to bed. I am really posting because my friend is like post or I won't add you to my blog list so I am posting this. Should update soon with an actual update.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

Approximatly 9 Days And Counting

Feeling A Little: Overwhelmed
Playing A Little: For Jo by RiddleTM
Recommending A Little: Dexter (Although its not music it is an awesome show)
Recommending A Little Music: Cute Is What We Aim For (One of those bands that not all songs are awesome but Risque has to be my favorite)

So many are back in school and others have a restless night ahead before their first day tomorrow. For me I have as stated in the title 9 days, I go back September 3. My days are spent fiddling with those brand new notebooks and binders. I eagerly wait for that day I can use those new pens of mine. Of course only moments I am hit with the thought of all those people. In the summer I put away my school mask and am never eager to pull it back out. I'm not a perfect princess and no I really don't fucking care if your cat died last night and that's why your essay is late. I don't want to have to put on my "Yes I am a bloody genius" mask. I enjoy being the silly person I am outside school.

Now don't get me wrong. I love to learn. I love school just not my school and just not the people. I hate pretending like I care about those people in my class when really if I had the chance I would kick them out or stab them with a knife to get rid of them. They bug me, disturb me when I would rather have the teacher just keep talking and not stop and back track if someone doesn't get the concept. If I don't get the concept I hardly think the time to ask is in the middle of an explanation. After class is when I ask. The teacher then can expand give more details make the info stick.

Well enough on school. Now onto music. A few days ago MTV did a special thing on Wizard Rock (A favorite non commercial genre of mine) and Twilight er TwiRock. I know by just mentioning Alex Carpenter's Hannah Montana comment has many people hating my guts never mind that I am now going to state my opinion. Wizard Rock is on a proper book, a book that now is used in curriculums because it is true literature. Harry Potter made history, Harry Potter's pages are full of plots twisting and turning and words forming many literary "YES!"s. Twilight I must agree with Alex Carpenter is like Hannah Montana, catchy and will get stuck in your head but there isn't a dynamic to it. It's not complicated, it doesn't get you thinking. There is no world full of theory there is only a world full of teenage love, and the kind that teaches no lessons. I confess I have read the books and I came out no different than I did going in, well I did realize that if some guy is as mentally retarded as Edward Cullen we are broken up. After reading Harry Potter I learnt, maybe nothing new but my views on the world were expanded and cleared up. Maybe its because I grew up with Harry at my side but he grew up with me, the Cullens and Bella never learnt a lesson, never changed. With that I agree very much with Alex Carpenter, Harry Potter is a literary masterpiece, Twilight is nothing more than pop art that in a few years will be forgotten.

From MTV to literary masterpieces it is easy to see I can't stay on topic. Now what I was going to talk about that stupid feud the media wants, well they have gotten to about the same place they started from. Harry Potter fans will forever hold Harry Potter in their heart but many are Twilight fans. Twilight fans may not ever have the connection us Potter heads have to J.K. Rowlings books but they love their books and they respect that yes Harry Potter fans feel the same way. We fans aren't blood thirsty book hounds that must have our books be number one. If Harry Potter stayed in the same amount of fame it did when I first picked up the series I would be fine, alone but fine. Both books are completely different and one may be better than the other (you know my opinion) but the fans understand each others connection to their book series and respect that. Although I am a little peeved that the media insists that Twilight will beat Harry Potter (lets see best selling book of all history vs. another famous book series, did Lemony Snicket win? No but those are wicked ass books!)

This seems to be a very nerdy blog so I will leave it at that. Now go check out some wizard rock (may I suggest RiddleTM? They are wonderful and AMAZING singers) or if you're a twilight fan some twirock. Come on though pick a new genre and try the opposite, why not take a break from Harry and the Potters and check out the Bella Cullen Project or trade Be Safe Bella for some of the Remus Lupins. And get along we only have each other.

Until The Next Song
Zoe

Now I leave you with The Remus Lupins' Alex Carpenter's wonderful words, "Lets all move on and read His Dark Materials and just love each other."

August Looms

Feeling A Little: Tired
Playing A Little: Manic Monday as covered by Relient k (the original rocks as well)
Recommending A Little: Relient k, with their newish CD. Check it out.

I am over worked and tired. Covering a shifts for people who unlike me can get out of town. My shoulders ache and my feet are telling me that they will pull out a gun if I stand. I am not tired enough to sleep though. Oh no I think I passed that point... uh 2 days ago. No instead I wait for the hour to come where I pass out only to wake to the ringing of my alarm signaling me to get up on a Saturday in the middle of the summer and work, on my day off. This week days off only seem like a distant dream. I know people work just as much as me and they don't complain as much as me but as a teenage I prefer to sleep in. Plus I am the type of person who would rather sit in her room blaring music and reading.

I love my job but its too tedious. I need something to change. Everyday its the same thing, not that I do said same thing but still. Actually I do the same thing in half the time it is expected of me and I am left with not much to do but chat. It tends to prove difficult to when you work with a former enemy of yours and a girl who surprises you everyday that she can tie her shoes. But I am not saying that I would prefer school.

Oh school can be enjoyable mostly because my friends and I cause havoc and torture teachers. I love learning but not in my school. I swear they took a prison, went this would make a nice school and then had someone puke on the floors just to add a little colour. Some of the teachers can be nice (after a little training in the ways of an unusual mind) but others are dull and teach you nothing. Additionally there is all the useless homework.

Enough about being trapped in school even though August looms drawing closer with each passing day and that exciting first day and dreary second day drawing closer with it. I find my days packed with things I want to do, like applying to some of those amusing play this game and apply for a scholarship things. None of it getting done as I am forced out of bed at ungodly hours to go work. Then at home I pass out again. It seems a lot like a school year and I don't like that. Not at all. So I am going to stop. Knowing me at the end of August because I want to make a ton of money to blow for clothes shopping. I need new converses.

Now I am blathering on and on which is actually nice because everyone I want to talk to is out of town. Stupid father keep me at home. I never do anything exciting, other than going to Europe. Of course if someone offered to take me to Europe I would literally kill someone for it. I loved it the first time. Okay well this paragraph began about me blathering on and I continued. That is the way I am.

Until the next song,
Zoe