Sanity Talks and Princeton?

Feeling A Little: Anxious
Playing A Little: Every Time by Lincoln Hawk (It was on Gossip Girl)
Recommending A Little: Cash Cash

I am a basket case. It is decided. I have decided that instead of singing about it I will fix it. I don't know how because I don't notice half the time. I want to fix it more than anything in the world right now though because I was reading old emails from grade 9 and I miss how Batman and I were. I remember racing to her house as soon as my luggage was in my room (well and half of it didn't even make it that far). Then I became who I am now. I realize that in grade 9 I was totally different, I could care less if I got 94 or 95. I was a lot more carefree, I didn't struggle to juggle work, school, friends and my sanity. It seems I have been doing a fine job juggling three of the four.

My friends may be pissed at me often but I never say no. I work all week and have homework to do but I still manage to at least be awake when they are over. Most of November and December they were over or I was doing something with them every weekend. Needless to say when someone offers me a reprieve I take it. Feeling horrible for about three minutes until I pass out. Then on the Monday I am told that Batman is banned from my house because I sent her home at 12. I don't understand and thought that maybe her mother needed time to think about it. I have come home later than that some nights. I understand that yes Batman was going to sleep over but I wasn't consulted and always try to play good host. She offered to go home and almost as soon as they left I was asleep.

Batman and I were on the outs for a bit. Me. I just don't know how to deal anymore. I blame and blame and blame but it has gotten me nowhere. I think some of the reasons I feel like I do is because I just put way too much stress on my shoulders. I have to be little miss perfect. Every time I look in the mirror I don't see perfection so I want to be it. The smartest, the friendliest...etc. I can't though. I am not the smartest. When I want to be I can be pretty damn knowledgeable but I am never going to be the best. I am definitely not going to be the friendliest because I just am not very socially adept. The one thing though is I always feel like I have to be the world's best friend or I am not going to have a friend. I have realized that trying to be the world's best friend has made me the world's worst. I try to please because someone is going to be upset if I don't. I have realized sacrificing everything for someone has made me old Zoe.

The thing I am going through now is the exact same thing I went through in grade 5. I don't know why this time is the problem. I used to want to give up and end it all then because I was teased mercilessly at school. Now people like me and if they ever tried to tease me like they used to I am pretty sure I have some awesome people who would happily make them eat their words. Its just hard to realize sometimes that people have other things to worry about than how I look or how I act.

I am a do it yourself type of person but it seems this time I need to suck it up and get help. For the past few days I have been trying to convince myself that I could fix this myself but in reality it has been tried and failed. Now I need to suck it up and just get 'er done. The sooner I know what I am feeling and why the sooner I can fix it and get everything back to normal. I want to miss Batman like crazy when she is gone because we always have so much fun together. I don't want to feel like having friends is a chore. I used to want nothing more than my friends. Now I don't know what I want.

Any ways lets get away from my sanity. University. I sincerely think I am on drugs in this aspect of life. Dream school has officially been given up on. Beautiful, amazing and one of the highest in academics but not for me. Oxford can have me. They have the perfect scholarship and until I am ready for that I have Princeton's bizarre financial assistance. Princeton essentially pays for like everything. No idea how to get it but I qualify in like every aspect. Weird. I suppose that New Hampshire would be cool to live in. Maybe Rick Mercer can mistake me for an American for Talking to Americans. That is totally off topic and years ago but come on dream come true. It would take my sarcasm skills to a whole new level of awesome. Well and maybe perhaps I am a little too obsessed with Gossip Girl...

Until the Next Song,
Zoë