A Rant... A really long get your crap out there rant. About everything it seems.

Feeling A Little: Cold: Friggen cold actually.
Listening To A Little: We Belong Together by The Parselmouths
Recommending A Little: The Summer Set (Fun and upbeat.)

Okay so mental breakdowns have become like a part of my life. I sit and sob and am stupid enough to think that running away to Victoria to live with my mentally unstable mother is a good idea. Retarded enough to plan a friggen future in Victoria. WTF? (No offense to those Victoria lovers/ Victoria livers (what are they called?) but Canada/ Victoria is not for me) So I had a whole hard core high school plan and everything planned out. Well until my father gave me a much needed reality check. Now I am yet again shipped off to my psychologist. We are going to be BFFs by the time I get out of GP.

Fights with Batman usually bring upon the breakdown. I know that its a horrible thing to say but I am fine and dandy pushing everything to the side until BAM! She is being all... bitchy I suppose would be the nice way to put it. Then well everything that has been going wrong or stressing me out just cascades down and I am sitting on a bus in tears. Or in this weeks case walking in -4 Celsius weather walking for 45 minutes home. I know it makes me seem like a baby and childish but really it gives me a new perspective when I am all done with being an absolute antisocial freak. Plus what am I suppose to do when everything that I built a neat little brick wall around gets viciously torn down.

I do everything for my friends. I would probably stab myself with a knife if it would make them happy. Right now it seems that it would certainly solve problems. Seriously I will shuffle around work I will paste a stupid grin on my face to try to make them happy. I will be the friend Zoe. That little me is slowly becoming me which is quite alarming because well she is abandoning all her prudish manners that made her little serious Zoe.

I love Batman to death I really do but it is really really hard to be perfect. I feel that I have to be. I know I can be smarter than her and we compete. I know that maybe she will be a famous writer that while I am wrestling little boys into strollers so that mummy can choose a book. Maybe she will be that girl that I can say I knew her once in high school. I wish I could be a high powered career woman but all I really want in the whole world is my own house to clean and children to wrestle into PJ's at bedtime. It may seem a waste for someone so "smart" and "caring" and "ambitious" to only want to be a housewife but really that seems like the perfect job for me. Batman seems to have it planned out. Nothing can happen she is invincible. I have realized that I'm not invincible. I wish I was. I wish I could get up and go at it again but I have my imperfections and it just so happens that my brain absolutely shuts down if something unplanned happened.

Sure I can be spontaneous but I have certain things I have to get done and allotted times. I even have allotted times for being spontaneous. Not quite spontaneous... I plan days I won't be at school. Like when I did have my little mental breakdown I sat through math going okay I am going to go home at lunch and then sleep and then explain to my father why I am home. Then the next day as soon as I was all weepyish it was okay walk home, email teachers, phone mum to talk it out and then sleep. Okay so sometimes things can get pushed aside like when I start crying over thinking about homework so teachers can't get emailed.

I suppose I can spend my time in the library among my books. I suppose I do need to focus more on my studies. Dad got his wish. I have friends but my best friends.... I love them to death. Funny how this seems to happen. I bring a group of random people together to be really good friends then my personality wrecks me being in the group. (Okay so I am being all downery here but well its happened before) I try. Oh god only knows how hard I try. Goodness God is probably sending me to hell for how hard I try. I love them to death as I haven't any other of my friends. I in no way wish that I was dealt a different hand.

I just have hard time balancing it all. Work Zoe, School Zoe, Friend Zoe, Zoe Zoe. Zoe Zoe has been feeling a little left out. School Zoe either goes to Friend Zoe or Work Zoe. Work Zoe that stupid bubbly person who loves everyone even that woman who has been fishing in her purse for 20 minutes. School Zoe is very similar to Work Zoe. Happy go lucky to everyone (except when No Sleep Zoe comes out) but really would rather be anywhere but where she is. Friend Zoe is the pleaser. She just wants her friends to be happy no matter what. That Zoe is a like a new Zoe altogether it seems. Its hard to explain but little Zoe Zoe gets all her personal secrets that make her blush just thinking about half of them. Now Batman has to be even more pissed because my soul hasn't been spilled.

I have too many Zoe it seems. Wow this rant is becoming really long and has gotten nowhere. I just really needed to spill my guts to someone other than the other me. God I sound like I have mental problems that need to be sorted out. I need a fucking breather. From being me. Seriously I have started walking to get into a better shape and even stuck my fingers down my throat a few time. How that works I don't know. I gag but I think I just have this thing where I won't throw up no matter what. Too much gossip girl I guess but it seems to work. I love me but not the body of me. Sex talks make me self conscious because I think about how no one wants to see anything under my shirt.

I think I am a creepy sex addict but not. Its kind of odd. The crap I read cannot be healthy sex. Well its not healthy sex because if that it health someone needs to redefine healthy. BDSM could I suppose be very bonding (ha ha I love that pun) but hopefully not the ones I read. Now people know who I am so I am not going to reveal what I read its really embarrassing the stories I like.

Its like a spill all your secrets night for me apparently. Yay! :P This is all going to come and bite me in the ass one day. Although one thing for Batman to remember I haven't been on mugglenet since she banned me (April Fools I was told I was allowed). Its quite amazing too. I think she banned me off of TLC too but HPANA will have to suffice then I suppose. Endless amounts of websites I could get my HP news from. And if banned from all Google is still fucking amazing. That was a sad cry to take me back. HP. I am really pathetic.

Anywho I said I was cold at the beginning and I still am. Just to let you know if you are dedicated enough to read this much of my crap. I don't know how to be more happy. I suppose I attempted it here. I loved me oh right thats not a good thing either... damn okay uhhuhhuhh... Dokkie- gets all odd when I go on about how amazing he is. Instead just insults me it seems but its his way of love... he is pretty fantastic at insults though.

Well this is just dragging on because I had more dark secrets to spill but I chickened.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë