I Sealed This Letter With My Tears and Stamped It With My Fears

Feeling A Little: Grown'd up
Playing A Little: Weightless by All Time Low
Recommending A Little: The Goodbye Anthem

So I have been normal. Or at least as normal as I can be. Life seems to just be going along smoothly. It has been a new thing to wake up in the morning and push the thought of homework out of my head for something more enjoyable (or less enjoyable like how I am fucking tired). I don't feel overworked, I don't feel taxed. Sure I feel weary and tired all the time but I also hold a part time job, volunteer and get good (ish) grades in school. But I don't feel stressed. Finally I have managed to get my head above water and am treading water well.

Once someone described depression as feeling as though you were drowning. My family struggles with depression, I had my bout. I am not sure if I did anymore. Perhaps I am just pushing the memories of those awful times where my hands were clenched to my sheets praying that I never left my bed in fear of what I would do. I always felt and still do that those were just selfish "look at me" moments. Sure I understand I couldn't control them but afterwards, why did I let it into my life.

I make up excuses and maybe thats why Justine and I had so many problems. I wouldn't man up and admit that yes I am a fuck up when it comes to relationships. Instead it seems like I'd come up with any other reason than that. I was over stressed, I was tired, I can't control my emotions. Fuck yes sometimes I admit these feels are true but never in the mass amounts I exploited them. She and I did not have a good relationship. Looking back sure we had our good moments but they were nothing more than moments. We got along but we were too much alike yet too much different. Makes no sense but it does. I was raised very much to be the quiet respectful girl. She was raised to voice her opinions and stand up no matter what. Nothing wrong with either parenting approaches but it seems sometimes I feel that sitting down, shutting up and getting through the shit is easier than fighting it tooth and nail. As my physics teacher fondly likes to yell at me "Its faster to just do it than argue with me."

Going into high school we were all taught that our friends would change. Justine and I being the stubborn gals we are fought it. Oh god we were going to live in Europe and visit over school breaks. We were in essence 15. Now I am not about to go and say that at 16 I have grown up and I know everything, but realistically I don't want to live in Europe. Sure it would be nice but Canada really is where I want to be, its a place I understand (sometimes). We were going to hang onto each other even if that meant misery. At times it did. I understand things did NOT end well. I should have handled things better, more maturely but I was in what I felt was a helpless, miserable situation and the only way out was to wound and battle it out. I said awful things that I never meant. I just wanted a changed and it seemed that we both needed to suck it up and grow up.

Over all of grade 10 Justine and I used to say we had changed and grown up and we had changed. Grown up, absolutely not. We still fought over the littlest things, we worshiped THE worst people. Seriously parents are not meant to be listened to. Bad advice on both sides and I kind of outgrew my parental worship. I realize now that daddy dearest is only my daddy for another year. After that he really becomes just my dad. It'll be hard sure because I have always been my daddy's little girl but its come time that I dictate my life. If he approves great, if he doesn't... well I am not going to change my life. I feel the need to defend my freedoms that he gives me. He doesn't ground, locking someone up doesn't help, in fact it eggs them on. No curfew, the strongest thing you can offer someone is trust, I have my dad's and I don't want to lose it. There are times I do fuck up but I feel regret and guilty for it.

It just seems looking back Justine and I had our good times and in no way to I regret it. Our friendship has helped shaped aspects of me, it taught me social skills. There was also the bad. We were not meant to be there for each other forever, we were there to teach each other (what she got from me I can only guess :P) and we did for a couple years have something that I am sure someone envied. We both had our problems though and we weren't comfortable sharing important aspects about it. Fuck there are things I have never told her and there are definitely things she never told me. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," my dear Charles has captured it perfectly so I bid you adieu.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

PS Love the song Godspeed by Red Jumpsuit Aparatus so I felt the title needed to reflect sort of the post and quote my new favourite sad song.