Do Svidanya!

Feeling A Little: Ready to Finish
Playing A Little: We Are Perfect by Audio Summer
Recommending A Little: Breathe Electric

I just want to school to be OVER! Its almost done but it doesn't seem like it can come fast enough. I am psyched for next year because although I purposely made it so I don't have any spares. I am going to have a blast. Finishing classes for like ever! Woo! Although I am actually retaking a course. Lame I know :P Better mark. Ha ha ha.

But soon I get out of GP. So its only for a week and I am like 4 hours away but I am still out! Plus I get a chance to wear my spancy new clothing, which cost 6 million dollars I swear. I am psyched to wear it though because I love getting dressed up. It will be an interesting experience too. I get to meet future contacts ;) Kay not really because I am definitely not a conservative. Maybe I'll be cool like the dude in Ontario and be an MP at like 20. Well or president of the US. My aunt has offered to help get the papers. :P

My imagination has been running wild. I have progressed from romantic notions (although PLEASE! I need him to be my partner!) to university. I can like see my last day in this house. My room empty, my sister eagerly throwing her stuff in. My dad being all teary like he sometimes gets. :D It seems so close yet so far away. Then I have gotten my hopes up about Cambridge again. I'm going to apply that's it. If I get accepted I'll see what I can do, if I get declined well I will have UBC.

I am in a very lets get this party started person right now. Woo! Life just needs to get its ass in gear and start. University will be a whole new start and I get to leave this town in the dust. The past is erased and I'm given a pen to ink my life onto an new sheet of paper. I have so many ideas and I just want to give up my pencil and complete these last few pages.

Oh and I am also learning Russian. I know "hello" and "goodbye". I'm going to be quadlingual. Not a word but I think it shall be awesome. And considering how no one reads this blog I think pretty soon I will need to pratique mon francais, practice my Latin (do not know how to say that in Latin though) and of course my Russian. What better way then writing about my life. I could probably do it in French already but... I am lazy :D.

Until the Next Song (or as I can now say: Do svidaniya!),
Zoë

I'm Feeling Some Gravitational Attraction Between You and Me, Baby

Feeling A Little: Bold
Playing A Little: Doctor Doctor by Amy Can Flyy
Recommending A Little: Teen Hearts

Ah how fast the week has gone. Not that I mind it is going so fast it just seems sometimes a pause would be nice. Like I sort of had the afternoon off, we'll just say it took me a REALLY long time to drive home (2 hours and I was going to beat my instructor pretty soon), and I came home ate then slept because I am just exhausted. Whenever I have time off it seems I sleep, because when I don't I definitely never have time to sleep.

I am kind of nervous for May too because I have to miss school. I have been awesome this semester with not missing any school. Keeps my marks nice and high :P Sometimes. Then bam! I miss a full week. Like I couldn't be cool and have this thing on a week where we only had 3 days, nope 5 I miss. Like another spring break... in damn expensive clothes. Suits are sooo expensive and I don't even want to think about how much my gorgeous pearls are. Thought it would be like a rope of pearls but its not. Tres pretty.

But June 27, Saskachewan here I come... Why? No damn clue. Lincoln and I are going to pack the sammiches and Gatorade and just go. This of course is going to be me being spontaneous. :P After my last exam I have a week until my hopeful summer internship and I need to make the best of it. After all its my summer. :P Actually I am really excited for my summer stuff. New people to meet, connections to make... and maybe perhaps a future career (even though right now I am REALLY into this politics career thing).

I am kind of nervous for next year though. Lincoln is going to be gone (sending me chocolate of course :D) and he is really my only close close friend. I am sure if I tried harder I could have more but I am comfy with him. He was my first friend in GP and as much as we are different we have in common so its a happy balance. I really am going to miss him to death. He can go hang out with my crazy mummy. :D

So we had this assembly, sad and not really sad. The girl who died I had no sympathy for. I felt more sorry for her family. Not that anyone deserves to die and the kids who did it were cold blooded but be smart, don't pretend to be someone different. So I did for a few years, I would cave to peer pressure. Not that I made stuff up but at times it seemed I needed to play it up. Teenage angst. I tried really hard to be compatible with someone who I wasn't. I wanted that friendship that everyone wants but didn't realize how miserable it made me. I am a fiercely independent person and having someone telling me what to do and making demands just doesn't work.

I've kind of in these past few months have reverted to pre life mess Zoe. I am back to my smiling laughing self (right out of the womb smiling. :D) but also back to the prissy rules are there for a reason person. Not that I mind, I think half the reason I am back to that is a) it was the winter brr and b) my grades are requiring me to be in class (I'm being a lazy ass, but an attentive lazy ass). This car thing might help though. I am stoked! One of the first things I am going to do is drive out to Dawson Creek because I have to see the adorable Justin and visit his mummy again :D. I am pretty excited.

Ah physics bringing together lovers everywhere, literally gravitational attraction dudes :P. And me and my crush. So not exactly together together, but at a table studying. Hurriedly because he had a test but I was there. :D I was a little bold in my here I'll help you then kind of just coming to his locker. It was his adorable day too, he had this jacket that looks amazing on him and he wore it today. I've actually gotten to the point where I can be normal, no skipped heart beats. Perhaps I want that but I prefer my new I don't care what happens but you're attractive and there is no harm in being friends. :D Plus I'm a sexy beast so who could resist. Ha ha ha oh what the assemblys have taught me this week.

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

Oh Johnny Where Art Thou?

Feeling A Little: Surprised
Playing A Little: Fuck You by Lily Allen
Recommending A Little: The Afters (MySpace Girl is such a stalker song. :D)

Its May in two weeks. Two short weeks. After May comes June and exams. Wasn't it December like yesterday? :D It sure feels like time has been squished. Not that I mind because it means everything I want is coming closer. My license :D My summer research program :D My concert :D My university applications :D! Its like life is going good (besides my current throbbing head which is the product of a late night). Sure there are things I want to change but I am putting along happily.

:D OMG and its like 6 months until I apply to universities! I am so excited! Maybe I am a little cocky but I think I'll get into my first choice. UBC. Then of course I should get on finding a few more enjoyable second choices or I'll end up like Blair. :P Although I wouldn't mind attending NYU... Although New York fucking scares me.

I am running into a little fiscal problem though. I have gotten into a spending spree, in the time I need to save save save. I have insurance to think about soon, and ugh gas. Then I am unemployedish over the summer... kay so I work a 35 hour week but I don't know how much a university pays. But I do have a shopping spree that I have an excuse for. I need dressy clothes and that is going to be like 6 million dollars but fun none the less.

Gah! I give up on whitening my teeth, strips fall off and trays are just well I end up salivating a ton and swallowing the shit. I won't have my pearly white teeth for my TV show in the future *cries*. Awful I know. :D I'll be a scary politian who got all her teeth pulled and wears dentures to have perfect teeth. These trays have 7 days before I resign myself to that fate. Please work! :P

Ah and my crush... Nope. I don't know I just am tired of nothing so I am falling out of a crush which is good I guess. Like I liked him actually but I don't see anything happening and so I am the "happen now" or just don't happen type of person. So nothing is happening so I'll continue talking to him but not hope for anything. Besides I am in a big city (ish) for 6 weeks (hopefully) and so perhaps I'll meet my Johnny as my father hopes and fall passionately in love. :D No hopes at all for that though.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Saving The NDP One Fiscal Plan At A Time

Feeling A Little: :D :D :D On Top Of The World
Playing A Little: If You Wanted A Song Written About You, All You Had To Do Was Ask by Mayday Parade
Recommending A Little: Represent

OMG I am like dying from happiness! Driving baby! Its trucking along perfectly. Next week I get picked up from school to start my in car lessons and my dad is taking me out tomorrow. I also get to drive just about my favourite, not expensive cars... well I guess a jeep is kind of expensive... but not compared to my other choices. A vibe is pretty rocking though. Lets just say though I am pretty scared because I haven't driven at all. Well I once drove a quad but I'll explain how that is a prime example how my motto works...

So my motto is "When in doubt, gun it" good plan right? Well the quad... Justine and I were creeping up a hill about to go down and then she was like "Gun 'er!" And so I did... we did not roll down the hill (we did hit a tree but I feel that was more my lack of steering abilities). But in a car I HAVE to be awesome. You don't know how crucial it is I know how to drive. If I don't learn to drive I have to walk around Edmonton... or figure out the buses which look complicated as hell. They don't even have a cool C-train like Calgary... :(.

This stupid driver's ed though. It scares the shit out of me driving. My dad makes it look easy. He like just kind of putts along. Apparently I need to be superwoman while driving and look at everything all at the same time and think 12- 15 seconds ahead. It sounds complicated. Plus all these accident things... this is going to sound stupid but I don't want to get in an accident, or even think about them... or watch one. I want to be blissfully unaware that they might occur and magically avoid them. Driver's ed also scares me out of highway driving, merging and well anything to do with a speed over 30. I do want to drive through a round about just because it looks fun and safe.

Ah! I am also excited because on Friday I totally am going on a HUGE shopping spree for like the clothes I only dream about owning. Nice high heels, dress pants, blazers, blouses, skirts (so I can live without skirts)! I am a little weird but I think being all nice and dressy looks so fashionable. Perhaps I was always destined to be a politician because of my style choices... On my political career I am going to do a federal political do dad next year so I can get both. Figure it would give me a good head start.

I do need to decide my party though. In Canada this is impossible, serious. So I am not a conservative because of their stance on gayness but on everything else I am pretty good. The Liberals I like but they have retarded environmental laws and the NDP, I think they need to play more monopoly to deal with how money actually works. But right now its a toss up between liberals and NDP... I sort of am leaning NDP because I figure I could be magic and turn them right around and actually give them a fiscal plan for all their reforms.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

I'm On a Boat Motherfucker Don't You Ever Forget

Feeling A Little: Hopelessly In L-O-V-E
Playing A Little: Bruises and Bitemarks by Good with Grenades
Recommending A Little: Vega Under Fire

OMG how cruel the world must be. So I am watching Greek (or waiting to watch more :P Loading pfft) and my god I think I jizzed in my pants. Cappie has to be the most god like man alive. Those eyes and that HAIR. I wish I knew anyone who looked like that. Basically though I think I'd just clam up. I am not very good with guys that are even remotely attractive. I totally turn bright red and blather. I suppose it could be endearing if you stretched it.

Ugh spring break last year was fun but no rest. This year, same situation. I am taking driver's ed so I am up early and have fricken homework. Then right afterwards I have to rush to work. This is unfun. I got one day to me. One day to do nothing... and I ran around catching up on errands. Next year I'll probably road trip it to BC to visit UBC and my mum so most likely no rest that spring break either. It just seems like this sole week is not enough.

On the brightside I smell fucking delicious. I am sitting here just inhaling me. I know I know that sounds absolutely stuck up but its this peach body butter. Delicious and I found a place to order more! eBay is an evil though. So I ordered two autographed things and my body butter. Ugh. Expensive. Then I have to go splurge on dressy clothing. :D I basically am pretending that the $100 I get Monday and my stat holiday will cover it. Not a good plan. $250 goes no where. I suppose I will just have to learn how to save. :P Funny I know.

I get to drive soon though! :D Basically its so much freedom. Middle of May I am aiming to have my license. Its a month to become amazing but I want my car soooo bad. Or at least to be able to use my baby. Gives me more time than I expected to save too so perhaps I can actually pay my insurance... and have some left over for gas. I just want to be able to throw my books in the back of the car and get to school warm the whole way. No more waiting on the sidewalk. Sure there is the 10 minute detour to my sisters' school but it will be such a cool feeling. Then I get to road trip it to Edmonton after my last exam! So pumped for that.

On a depressing note about driver's ed, a fucking 14 year old is making fun of me for never driving. He just got his learner's and has driven more than me. Actually everyone in the town has driven more than me. Its like this creepy town thing. Where I am from the only driving you needed was a boat. Never did do that but I rode on one often. *sigh* Now I miss BC. One more fucking year baby and I am out! Never coming back...

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

I Sealed This Letter With My Tears and Stamped It With My Fears

Feeling A Little: Grown'd up
Playing A Little: Weightless by All Time Low
Recommending A Little: The Goodbye Anthem

So I have been normal. Or at least as normal as I can be. Life seems to just be going along smoothly. It has been a new thing to wake up in the morning and push the thought of homework out of my head for something more enjoyable (or less enjoyable like how I am fucking tired). I don't feel overworked, I don't feel taxed. Sure I feel weary and tired all the time but I also hold a part time job, volunteer and get good (ish) grades in school. But I don't feel stressed. Finally I have managed to get my head above water and am treading water well.

Once someone described depression as feeling as though you were drowning. My family struggles with depression, I had my bout. I am not sure if I did anymore. Perhaps I am just pushing the memories of those awful times where my hands were clenched to my sheets praying that I never left my bed in fear of what I would do. I always felt and still do that those were just selfish "look at me" moments. Sure I understand I couldn't control them but afterwards, why did I let it into my life.

I make up excuses and maybe thats why Justine and I had so many problems. I wouldn't man up and admit that yes I am a fuck up when it comes to relationships. Instead it seems like I'd come up with any other reason than that. I was over stressed, I was tired, I can't control my emotions. Fuck yes sometimes I admit these feels are true but never in the mass amounts I exploited them. She and I did not have a good relationship. Looking back sure we had our good moments but they were nothing more than moments. We got along but we were too much alike yet too much different. Makes no sense but it does. I was raised very much to be the quiet respectful girl. She was raised to voice her opinions and stand up no matter what. Nothing wrong with either parenting approaches but it seems sometimes I feel that sitting down, shutting up and getting through the shit is easier than fighting it tooth and nail. As my physics teacher fondly likes to yell at me "Its faster to just do it than argue with me."

Going into high school we were all taught that our friends would change. Justine and I being the stubborn gals we are fought it. Oh god we were going to live in Europe and visit over school breaks. We were in essence 15. Now I am not about to go and say that at 16 I have grown up and I know everything, but realistically I don't want to live in Europe. Sure it would be nice but Canada really is where I want to be, its a place I understand (sometimes). We were going to hang onto each other even if that meant misery. At times it did. I understand things did NOT end well. I should have handled things better, more maturely but I was in what I felt was a helpless, miserable situation and the only way out was to wound and battle it out. I said awful things that I never meant. I just wanted a changed and it seemed that we both needed to suck it up and grow up.

Over all of grade 10 Justine and I used to say we had changed and grown up and we had changed. Grown up, absolutely not. We still fought over the littlest things, we worshiped THE worst people. Seriously parents are not meant to be listened to. Bad advice on both sides and I kind of outgrew my parental worship. I realize now that daddy dearest is only my daddy for another year. After that he really becomes just my dad. It'll be hard sure because I have always been my daddy's little girl but its come time that I dictate my life. If he approves great, if he doesn't... well I am not going to change my life. I feel the need to defend my freedoms that he gives me. He doesn't ground, locking someone up doesn't help, in fact it eggs them on. No curfew, the strongest thing you can offer someone is trust, I have my dad's and I don't want to lose it. There are times I do fuck up but I feel regret and guilty for it.

It just seems looking back Justine and I had our good times and in no way to I regret it. Our friendship has helped shaped aspects of me, it taught me social skills. There was also the bad. We were not meant to be there for each other forever, we were there to teach each other (what she got from me I can only guess :P) and we did for a couple years have something that I am sure someone envied. We both had our problems though and we weren't comfortable sharing important aspects about it. Fuck there are things I have never told her and there are definitely things she never told me. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," my dear Charles has captured it perfectly so I bid you adieu.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

PS Love the song Godspeed by Red Jumpsuit Aparatus so I felt the title needed to reflect sort of the post and quote my new favourite sad song.

Add a Dash of Hope and Renew a Withering Flower

Feeling A Little: Hopeful?
Playing A Little: Cross My Heart (Acoustic) by Marianas Trench
Recommending A Little: Ten Second Epic.

I had sort of given up on my crush. I was like ah I can forget about him. Then he started a conversation with me on Facebook and for 2 hours we chatted. Plus he offered to let me scroll through his iPod. I kind of ungave up. :D I mean perhaps its a little too hopeful that he likes me but I can twist things into thinking he might. I want him to... I guess that means I am back in crush mood. He is like the crush that I haven't found something I can't stand about him. I know everyone has their quirks but his quirks are funny, plus he is tres attractive.

Ugh some people though. The guys they like its like are you serious? I know it is very shallow to judge on looks but when he looks unclean its like yucky. I have this cleanliness obsession so the guy I like has to look showered and like he cleans his clothes. My crush, while I haven't actually taken the chance to sniff him he does shower often... goes to show what is discussed in my classes. :D Although it always weirds me out when guys talk about using mousse and stuff. I rarely discuss it myself but I guess mousse is better than gel.

After talking to my crush though I wanted to smash my head in. Seriously the opportunities I have missed are ridiculous. We talked about movies... so why not meantion going to one... we discussed my oh so wonderful texting skills.... get his number... My god I am so slow sometimes. It was a funny conversation because he was busy watching ER while I was discussing with my mother that you don't text on a computer. Then I had to go aww... because I had just finished bawling my eyes out after watching Marley and Me and he apparently did too. Sensitive guy, aw.

Talking of crushes always makes me feel so little and not a mature teenager. :P Like I am but I always get so damn hopeful that something will come out of it and then nothing happens. So this time I am taking a different approach. So I am wishful that something comes out of it but not hanging my hopes on it. It is a lot less embarrassing too because I am not head over heels for someone who might not even like me back.

Okay so more in my life than just liking a guy has been going on in my life. My TV shows are back, Greek and the Tudors. Extra excited. Pumped even! Annnnd its almost Easter break, thank god. I need a day to sleep in and just lull about. So I have a list of things I HAVE to get done but otherwise I am good to do nothing. Most teachers have tests arranged before the break so yay! no homework. Then I register for next year. I pretty much made my decision. As much as I don't like my town moving away to a city is not going to help and everything I have arranged for next year is really exciting. Come on I might go to Africa (must work on encouraging my father), I might go off exciting places with the envirothon, and of course Latin. As much as at times I resist the language at times I love it. Its not something that I'll probably use in excess but its fun to learn.

I've decided that life is here to be enjoyed so I am getting on enjoying it. Every bit of the god damn high school experience, soon I can drive so I'll make sure to make it to the pits some time... Not to drink of course but just to be uber awesome. I am very pumped for university though. Now that I can basically have my own life at university and have my own apartment I am pretty excited. The next year is going to be fun because Canada may not be the best in the world but I love it (and must admit I am a little nationalist and it is the best in my eyes. :D).

Until the Next Song,
Zoë