Strumming My Ukele

Feeling A Little: Content
Playing A Little: Passion For Publication by Anarbour
Recommending A Little: Flight 409

I think in these past few months I have managed to sort my problems. Stopping comparing myself with everyone around me helped. I have acknowledged that I am never going to be the prettiest or the smartest but I am okay with that. I am happy with who I am. I may not be gorgeous or thin but I am also not the most hideous. :P I am also becoming very content with just learning. I've decided to soak in the knowledge. Nerdy I know... and wrong but I gave up on my grades.

I am not going to be an ivy league graduate of 2014 but you know what I can party in Kelowna instead and know some of my classmates before I go. We never know too, perhaps I'll love Edmonton so much I'll never want to leave. I have been one surprise after another for myself. Its actually thrilling to just take life by the horns and screw the plans. I am smart enough to dig myself out of a hole if I get into trouble. With my preparations in high school I can do whatever I want. So I am keeping my grades good but I stopped stressing about how high I think they need to be.

I actually have totally taken up the violin. Not wonderfully of course... :D Kind of told my sisters Obsessed's playing was me. :P I definitely can barely play my D-scale. Plus I don't have a full violin which I shall get soon. I am attempting with little hope for success to get into orchestra. I think it would be fun and totally unacademic. Plus I have the spares to do with what I want. Spares sound boring and so orchestra would be a nice add. But there is like such a small chance I am not overly optimistic.

Ah and my crush because well I find the need to. I don't know if it will go anywhere other than this blog and the few people I have told and they like immediately forget. He is like the guy that all the girls love so *sigh* little hope for me. I am fine with that though because he is fun to talk to... when he pays attention to the fact I am talking to him. :D Ah I'd make an awful girlfriend though. I don't care about half the crap I am supposed to. Maybe I am a trusting boyfriend or I observe and have seen what works and what doesn't. Being glued at the hip, no; being overbearing and bitchy, no; making out in the halls, just icky. See awful I am not a PDA person, hug, hands maybe but I don't want to makeout in the hall.

Well this is kind of a scattered blog but I was being told to get over myself by Band Geek who because I haven't made her say it this year did just for tradition. :D Ah as much as it would be fun to be Grad VP I think she'd do an okay job at it. Bluck! Speeches tomorrow and I am essentially winging it. Good plans. :D

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

As the Seasons Turn

Feeling A Little: On Top Of The World
Playing A Little: Drop Top by Mercy Mercedes (Schweet guitar solo man.)
Recommending A Little: Hey Monday

Its amazing how much you can change in a year. Amazing how you can shriek with laughter as you are on MSN talking about your previous obsession and how you are taunting yourself with it. Astonishing how you can just about give yourself a heart attack when you remember a current favourite band just put out a new single, a band you never knew about just a year ago. The wonder goes to friends though. It is amazing that year after year you are left with the handful you managed to snag on the way. The ones you thought would last forever came and went but those few that even after estrangements managed to worm their way back.

Instead has to be the one that stands out and I must say one day I'll have to buy him a house or something for everything he has done for me. Seriously I am pretty sure that a fair bit of my new self confidence goes to him. Maybe I'll buy him a non sticky truck. Just to torture him too... he hates and loves me buying him junk. Him and I have been on again off again. We have managed to grow up and stop that. I am sure we are soul mates and unfortunately both of us have that certain thing that turns the other off, his obviously being that I don't have a cock. I really don't know how well we'll last with being seperated. Truth be told I am scared. He is like the one person I go out with. I am scared of not having him there when I go through my depressive moments and he just kind of is like okay. I'll miss him to death. I know I moan and bitch about wanting to go to university but truth be told it was always going to be him who I missed the most of my friends, the boy who I bugged until he watched Inuyasha, the boy who tricked me into writing down that I had a crush on him, the boy who brought me back a turtle from hawaii and every time he sees it asks for it back even though it says "To Zoe, From Lincoln" on the back.

I am so scared now. This time next year I'll be buying my grad dress (I don't want to buy it in September), I'll be in the last final kick of my childhood. I get my lisence soon and with that my car. I am hopefully off this summer to be a lacky for a professor, exciting. I am a sort of crossroads when it comes to my career, to be a teacher and do something I love that I am guaranteed to be successful at, or go into another passion of mine, science and have a huge possibility of failing. I've chosen my Canadian university (hope of the world is given up on and well I love Canada with ever fiber of my being) and now I need to choose a career. I crave that growing up and going to university but at the same time I am going to miss being able to on a Friday night watch the whole 5th season of Boston Legal and write a blog.

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

Because Sometimes It Fun To Be Proud (Hell Here I Come)

Feeling A Little: In Heaven
Playing A Little: Impossible and Never Practical by Settings
Recommending A Little: The Method To My Medium

I seem to have lost a great deal of my embarrassment lately. I for the first time looked... um we'll call him Cartoon because he has lame cartoon facebook pictures... in the eye. I haven't forever because I knew that he didn't like me and knew that I liked him. I don't anymore. I promptly stopped but I still was embarrassed that he knew. Now I am telling random people who I like, kay not random but people I normally wouldn't tell.

I seem to have random people to tell certain tidbits of my life. It used to be Batman and then would just spread out but now its like little things to people. I seem to share a great deal with... well everyone. Sure there are somethings that are just for Zoe but otherwise its other people.

Now I know it is supremely selfish to feel the way I do but I can't get over it. My teachers love me, I am very flattered by some of the things they say about me. Like I thought my physics teacher hated me, nope loves me and my avid interest in science. I love that word avid. I have no idea what my Bio teacher said but he appears to like me... or my name. When I am in the hall with someone he taught he goes "Hi" to them and always without fail "Hi Zoe" Its a little weird. Every conversation we have in the hall he has to drop a Zoe. Bizarre really, weirder that I noticed. :P

But I also have been deemed talkative enough to join envirothon. Or at least that's the reason my teacher told me she picked me. I am a shoo in for next year and Cavendish's replacement this year because she is running away to see animals cut up in 4H. :D I am not a huge environmental person but it sounds like the perfect competition for moi and it sounds like fun, plus who doesn't love showing off. :P

Now speaking of Cavendish, she reminds me of Obsessed (With the rules. :D) who reminds me of Lover Boy. Who I adore. I am pretty sure Obsessed was right when she told me a ton of girls were in love with him but he is as she put it cute. Plus he winked at me and said it wasn't for the answers, which I had just informed him were in the back of the book (they were). He is hilarious too and seems to be intent on getting me in trouble. :D I don't think I have a chance in the world of dating him but one can fantasize.

I finally got off my ass and got my university research applications done. I was a little hesitant at first to do them but now I am actually pretty psyched to be doing it (hopefully). A summer of science and running around a university. I don't know if I'll want to even return to high school. I have a driving force though to make next year more fun, orchestra. I probably won't be able to do it but one can hope.

Until the Next Song (Played by moi :D),
Zoë

Lets Road Trip It!

Feeling A Little: Unsure (and in pain)
Playing A Little: A Wolf Among Lilacs by Medicated Kisses
Recommending A Little: Matt White

Ah I feel the stress. Its crunch time this week and on top of that I now am forced to find a way to fit enviro-thon on the fly in. Its often on the weekends... I work on the weekends. Not the perfect puzzle piece. Then I have my summer research internship forms due soon and teachers are slow at getting me those references, plus the principal has to do one... he knows probably like my name only now with my harassing. Gah!

Oh my I have a stupid Social teacher too who I now have to work my ass off to get a good mark in my favourite usually one of my easy classes. He had to discount a test because the highest mark was 77%. Seriously I would have done better except he wouldn't believe me when I completely perfectly argued out the reason (the next day he said that my answer was right... but when I told him thats what I said, he told me I was wrong and the question was different). I give up on him.

I have sort of given up on my crush too. I don't see it going anywhere and I am out of my "I wish I had a boyfriend" frenzy. Now I am in the "Boyfriends are stupid and tie you down. WOO SINGLE!" mood. See I am balencing out a little more. I still like my crush but no boy is worth me obsessing and being smitten. I'll like him and just leave it at that. Perhaps at another time I'll be in love but otherwise I am good for now.

My classes (other than social) are going pretty good though. Mad at my Chem mark because it is over my Bio mark... by .2 % but Bio is my niche in the science community... Apparently I rock all three though because my physics mark is slowly on the rise, perhaps its the killing people in elevators. :D Actually I love looking at huge amounts of calculations. I get this weird thrill.

One thing I was thinking about the other day is I have not seen my psychologist is over 2 months. No mental break downs bad enough I owe her a visit. No mental break downs requiring me to miss a class. Nerdy I know but I need the best grades ever and so being mentally stable is good. My life is perfectly built and I can even slide something new in without breaking down into tears because I forgot about a quiz, I actually just sit down and study instead, risky I know. I can do something childish like watching pokemon (which rocks) at lunch instead of cramming in an essay.

:D I am happy. I have a crush who I am like but am not desperate for. I am on top of my classes. I am sort of healthy. My bank account is healthy enough for my car in a month! I am ready to roll for this summer which is going to be the best damn summer ever, because I won't be in GP. I figure if I don't get these summer internships I'll pack me up and road trip it to Victoria and work there for a summer. Its not GP and I'll have someone to stay with. If all that fails there is always the just random road trip to Calgary fun.

Until the Next Song (Or Fantasy),
Zoë

I Seem To Be Having Trouble In Bio, Wanna Help Me Study?

Feeling A Little: Dying (Work faster immune system)
Playing A Little: When I Grow Up by Mayday Parade
Recommending A Little: Punk Goes Pop 2 (Wicked CD)

So I am dying. If I had the choice right now I would rip out my throat. It hurts sooo bad. I guess I deserve it after not getting sick while everyone was dying left and right but no. Yucky blucky. I can't afford to miss school either. I have a quiz of some sort everyday and usually some sort of homework. Suppose that's what I get for taking all my sciences, which actually I like. Its just Social I want to go die in a hole.

Batman and I are actually like sort of back to normal. Its election time which probably helped. In no way are we as close as we used to be but we are back to amicably talking about something other than the manditory. Its kind of nice because right now seems like the perfect balence. When we weren't talking we were still trying to know what was going on with the other person. Now we know and aren't resorting to a person in between, Instead.

I am actually quite proud of my self with my crush. So I started overly zealous but thats because that is totally who I am, but now that I simmered it seems to be going better. Sure I doubt it will get anywhere and if it doesn't it just means we are closer. If it does, well that would be nice but I have given up counting my chickens. I've decided to let them be. Unfortunately this time I like a guy that has rules surrounding him. Blah. I have decided girls can just go to fucking hell. I'll date who I want and like who I like. Pretty sure I am a bad girl because I definitely don't abide to girl rules.

Anywho back to the actual guy, I actually had a discussion with him without the whole class hearing. It kind of ended in me telling him I was off to learn about the female reproductive system but you know what thats okay. Bio is a knee slapping class. OMG I am pretty sure I have to be one of the lamest people on the planet but I like it. I think my lamness has to be like THE favourite trait I posses. I am never embarassed about it either which is nice.

I am pretty sure I am an awful person because Bio makes me want to go out and get a boyfriend solely for the reason of seeing and feeling the reproduction system in action. ;) Cosmo also elicits this response but thats because its basically a magazine for the coupled women. The singles get the single bible which has to do with dating... Stupid.

I am pretty sure my reasons for a boyfriend fall under the "using" him catagory but I'd still make sure I'd like him. As I was telling Socks he definitely has to be funny, making me laugh is like a must but then again I laugh at everything. I wish I had a nice laugh, I laugh like my mum so its not attractive. He also have to be 6' + because I think I have this 6 feet fetish. Anyone shorter is like too short, it may be that I am 5' 8" (Stretching it really) and I love a taller guy. Also so toss able hair is a must because where is the fun in making out without hair to tug. :P

Any ways I am off to literally die. Yuck. Hopefully I can make it to school so I can go fratinize with my crush. Perhaps I can use a lame line like "Wanna come help me with my Bio, we're doing reproduction. I need a little extra study." I wish I had a wicked smile to go with that... unfortunately I just have nervous giggles and I would end up making a fool of myself.

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

Day Dreams and Childish Practices

Feeling A Little: Proud
Playing A Little: How Will I Know by Hit the Lights
Recommending A Little: Nickasaur!

So I have managed something that I thought would take me a very long time. I have managed to get my life under my control again. I smile and laugh without thoughts tugging them back. I sat in Social class today and DAY DREAMED! Oh god I haven't done that forever. I even practiced a ridiculously childish thing to, I perfected my Zoe Mollard signature. :D It just makes my heart leap that I have calmed down enough to do that.

By giving in to my absurd organizing ways I have managed to make me feel better. I have stopped worrying because I realized that I don't want to leave Canada. I fought it for the longest time but no its my home and I don't think I could love anywhere else. I hate the winters but come on the Okanagon is the only place I ever swell with pride with when people praise it. No way am I staying where I currently live but I miss Armstrong its the place I want to raise my kids in. I miss it like mad and I want to be there. I know I can be there.

I want to travel the world don't get me wrong but I want to come home to airport security that smiles at you and don't like they are going to whip out a huge gun and shoot you. Canada may not be the richest, or most powerful country but its beautiful and I am proud as hell to call it my home and I never want to stop.

My career has changed yet again after reading Handle With Care (read it, its by Jodi Picoult and ends as terribly as My Sister's Keeper but is amazing.), I think I might want to be a obstetrician (probably should learn to spell it first though). Biology intrigues me and I could deliver babies, the stillborns would be a blow but still the miracle of life. Kindergarten teacher though still sounds amazingly like me though because well its not my full potential but you know what why waste my passion for teaching and my love of children because I can get a few 90s. Teachers are damn important and you know what I still remember my kindergarten teacher and learning to read and my alphabet.

I think part of my new amazing attitude is my "love." Who knows if I actually am in love with him but its that feeling you have when you like someone that much. I know I am probably setting myself up for disappointment but I can dream or day dream (sorry I have been so stressed these past few years that the ability for my mind to wander is just a miracle to me). I think another part of my attitude is my new found self confidence. Who cares if I am overweight I think I am pretty (despite the ugh stretch marks, have not admitted that to anyone they embarrass me soooo much). My hair gets compliments and I think that if I feel pretty I am pretty. I don't need a boy to make me feel pretty all I need is me (and I do enjoy being argued with about how I don't dye my hair, seriously I haven't since December but suddenly my roots are like being over looked... ).

Its just this new feeling to just be. Sure I have my stressers but I now get them done and know when they need to be done. If I stay on this roll I'll be fine. Plus I removed SATs (no way am I going to the States), and I am applying to UBC (but not Vancouver like my dad insists... think he wants me raped and murdered). Sure I put grad VP in place but come on its not supposed to be that bad and I can be proud of that fact later in life.

I am pretty sure I am just not a best friend person. Sure I like having one but it seems like several friends suit me better. I have different people I confide different things to and laugh with different people. So I am a huge hypocrite and I think that is my next thing to tackle, along with ripping Ashley Tisdale off my magazine (Cosmo, why!?).

Until the Next Song,
Zoë

Where Did The Time Go?!

Feeling A Little: Excited
Playing A Little: The Saltwater Room by Owl City
Recommending A Little: White Lies (Afraid its second hand though, Daniel Radcliffe apparently recommended them forever ago... who knew.)

So I am getting a car! Finally. I am like over the moon because its mine! Ugly as hell but it'll still be my baby. :D No idea what colour yet and I can't drive it for a month but... car! I have resisted getting a car because a) they are expensive and b) I don't have time to get a license but over spring break I do! So cross my fingers and toes after spring break I can cruise to school in my smexy new Mercury Topaz. :P Freedom though. Means I can go out at night... or have more of an ability to.

I am such a loser. The one time I actually ask someone to a movie I get turned down because they are going to the same movie with someone else... then I don't have anyone (close) to ask. I am sure my friend in Dawson Creek would love to, or my friends in Armstrong but alas I don't think they have the resources to get to my "wonderful" city. Like I did not mind spending my night sobbing over Shopaholic because Luke Brandon will never be mine but I really did want to see Watchmen. :D Well although if I got off my ass I might have gone but once I see 18A I panic and decide never to watch the movie.

Oh my goodness though! I was watching the news and being like "on the 19th of last month Obama wasn't president what are you talking about Jon Stuart?"... then I realized its March. Where on earth did time go? Not that I mind this whole time going by at insane rates but still I would like it to go at a speed slow enough that I can realize its a new month...

So my family totally ganged up on me this weekend. Making me totally want to pay for my own schooling. If they want to be asses about what I want to be then I have enough money to pay for school myself. So I'd be in debt but I wouldn't have the unbelievable pressure to get a doctorate. I don't think anyone has taken the time to see me. To see past my stupid school thing. The whole reason I do so good/ throw myself into it is so I can get it over with. I want to get my life rolling. At 25 I would rather be starting a family then starting my doctorate. My goal above anything else is to have kids. I could care less if I am a mail lady if I have kids I'll be good.

I get distracted when I write blogs these days... Reading my old blog posts. Its astounding how much I have changed, 3 months since my last Wizard Rock song, I listen to Jeffree Star (occasionally), Batman and I are... well Batman, Zoe. No more "and". But I definitely still feel like stabbing one of my classmates... I think everyone is waiting for it now. How little time can pass, how much we can change.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Teaching Blues

Feeling A Little: Nervous
Playing A Little: I'm On A Boat by The Lonely Island
Recommending A Little: Phone Calls From Home

So my father told me that US schools are too expensive and told me to start looking at Canadian schools. And I did. UBC sounds perfect for me. I loved BC. Its one of those places that just made me love Canada. Its the Canada everyone describes. Its beautiful and perfect for me. But now according to my father it is underachieving. Pfft. Its an Canadian Ivy school.

His other problem may be my career choice. I know I have had like 5 million career choices but they are all highly educated posts that basically is my full potential but a teacher is something I have wanted to be since grade 7. It was just never mentioned because the response was always "like a professor?" I love kids to death and probably would be the next octo mom if I didn't think it would be a bitch to manage.

Its just like saying I want to be a teacher out loud really makes me feel less pressure. I don't need 98% in everything and I don't need to pretend I love something to death and could do it for the rest of my life. I love learning about Bio, Latin and Social but I can't see myself doing a career in them. A kindergarten teacher leaps to life like a film in my mind. It forms perfectly around my dreams of a family and my dreams of my future life. I have taught before so I know I love it but now the hard part is convincing people that "smart" Zoe isn't destroying her potential to become a teacher. Actually it might be saving my potential because one day I am just going to burn out and I am pretty sure a low stress job like a teacher would be perfect for me.

I don't want to be her! I wish people would see me past the grades, past the random facts that I remember. I wish people would see the Zoe who loves smiling at kids and running around the house with her step cousin thrown over her shoulder. I wish my facade was a little less elaborate. I just want to be seen less for overachieving Zoe and more for the person who I happen to love to death, the one who is actually going around asking people about socks and sex. :D The one who has an improptu song cashing out at work about how Socks and I are going to be boys together. I just don't want people to assume that I am going to be a doctor, lawyer or whatever. How about I be what I be and what makes me happy.

I think I may have offically given up on England and the US though because I'd miss Canada. As much as I complain about it I love it. The world may seem more exciting but Canada is my home and I think it always be. I can't imagine not being here. Europe has more history, and is more exciting and I might never go back but I think fresh fruit and water are the best things in the world. Nothing compares to my childhood memories of helping my mum pick raspberries to make into raspberry jam. I want my kids to do the same. I want them to have an insane puppy who after a walk races around our big backyard because she is just that weird. I want to have pictures of me and my little ones planting seeds in a garden. I want to be able to take them to a beach and scare them with stories of the Ogopogo. I don't know if I could bear to give that up. I don't know if I could give Canada up.

I love how my husband like never figures into this. I have my perfect proposal (He is going to strip for me and have "will you marry me" painted on his chest) yet I don't have the perfect man figured out. Like I suppose I have my looks preferences and my manditory must love kids but other than that he is faceless, and personalityless (perhaps I should marry one of the guys at my school :P They fit parfait).

Sometimes I remind myself of Blair Waldorf the way I have planned everything out... kay so it changes but everytime it changes the details get more extensive. Like my kids now totally have like me making pregnancy comments about them... and I have never been pregnant... and most likely won't for a while. Whatever being a teacher means at 22 I can totally be out of school and have kids. :D

Until the Next Song,
Zoë