Breaking Up With a BFF

Feeling A Little: Worried
Playing A Little: Headlight Disco by The Click Five
Recommending A Little: Sleep it helps everyone.

My dad is in the hospital waiting on the word of a surgeon and all I can think about is this mess that my friendship is laying in. God we all need a break and whether that break may be a few months, a few years or the rest of my life that is fine. I have the memories. I have had just about the greatest 4 years of my life. Its funny really that it ends now and at 4 years. We have that stupid religion and really if you think about it things happen quite a lot in 4s.

It hurts really to say that it needs to end. We were odd enough to plan a future. We gave me a future I think. I never had a plan, never had anything to strive for. Now I have my goal and how to get there. Many good things came out of this relationship and yes I am sorry that my kids may not get to know an Aunty Batman and may not be called horrible torturous names that would have them beaten up in school.

The time has come though. We held on so tight and its all unraveling and neither of us can catch it before it falls away. Friendships come and go and this is one that made it through the absolute worst but couldn't survive other tests. Really my heart is breaking and no matter what horrible things I try to convince myself of her she still was the best person I ever knew.

I think of stupid things like how she has my books or I have something of hers. How we are going to break it to everyone, teachers especially because we have been as good as sisters. How we are never going to be phoning each other excited or disappointed over university acceptance. How I might be able to actually afford university because I won't have a 4 million dollar phone bill each month. We had so many things, so many memories that I don't ever want to forget but just for this moment I do. I want to forget the last 4 years if only to let my heart mend.

We were the idiots who threw junior mints at cars, incestual lesbians, the ones who woke up at 4: 44 on the 4th of April to celebrate a made up religion, the ones who go to learning conferences convinently right when Social is, the ones who were insperable, the ones who were as close a sisters, the ones who had the friendship that everyone had, the ones who would have done anything for the other. We were the best of friends. All things come to an end and unfortunately its the best things.

I love her to death and one day maybe when we are 40 and taking a stroll down memory lane we can get back in touch and not remember why it fell it apart but that we were the best of friends. We can remember how stupid we were at 16 to give it up. Friends are few and far between and you have to hold on tight, but sometimes you just have to let go.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

The best of our times: http://photographic-memory-.piczo.com/?g=24663751&cr=6

A Rant... A really long get your crap out there rant. About everything it seems.

Feeling A Little: Cold: Friggen cold actually.
Listening To A Little: We Belong Together by The Parselmouths
Recommending A Little: The Summer Set (Fun and upbeat.)

Okay so mental breakdowns have become like a part of my life. I sit and sob and am stupid enough to think that running away to Victoria to live with my mentally unstable mother is a good idea. Retarded enough to plan a friggen future in Victoria. WTF? (No offense to those Victoria lovers/ Victoria livers (what are they called?) but Canada/ Victoria is not for me) So I had a whole hard core high school plan and everything planned out. Well until my father gave me a much needed reality check. Now I am yet again shipped off to my psychologist. We are going to be BFFs by the time I get out of GP.

Fights with Batman usually bring upon the breakdown. I know that its a horrible thing to say but I am fine and dandy pushing everything to the side until BAM! She is being all... bitchy I suppose would be the nice way to put it. Then well everything that has been going wrong or stressing me out just cascades down and I am sitting on a bus in tears. Or in this weeks case walking in -4 Celsius weather walking for 45 minutes home. I know it makes me seem like a baby and childish but really it gives me a new perspective when I am all done with being an absolute antisocial freak. Plus what am I suppose to do when everything that I built a neat little brick wall around gets viciously torn down.

I do everything for my friends. I would probably stab myself with a knife if it would make them happy. Right now it seems that it would certainly solve problems. Seriously I will shuffle around work I will paste a stupid grin on my face to try to make them happy. I will be the friend Zoe. That little me is slowly becoming me which is quite alarming because well she is abandoning all her prudish manners that made her little serious Zoe.

I love Batman to death I really do but it is really really hard to be perfect. I feel that I have to be. I know I can be smarter than her and we compete. I know that maybe she will be a famous writer that while I am wrestling little boys into strollers so that mummy can choose a book. Maybe she will be that girl that I can say I knew her once in high school. I wish I could be a high powered career woman but all I really want in the whole world is my own house to clean and children to wrestle into PJ's at bedtime. It may seem a waste for someone so "smart" and "caring" and "ambitious" to only want to be a housewife but really that seems like the perfect job for me. Batman seems to have it planned out. Nothing can happen she is invincible. I have realized that I'm not invincible. I wish I was. I wish I could get up and go at it again but I have my imperfections and it just so happens that my brain absolutely shuts down if something unplanned happened.

Sure I can be spontaneous but I have certain things I have to get done and allotted times. I even have allotted times for being spontaneous. Not quite spontaneous... I plan days I won't be at school. Like when I did have my little mental breakdown I sat through math going okay I am going to go home at lunch and then sleep and then explain to my father why I am home. Then the next day as soon as I was all weepyish it was okay walk home, email teachers, phone mum to talk it out and then sleep. Okay so sometimes things can get pushed aside like when I start crying over thinking about homework so teachers can't get emailed.

I suppose I can spend my time in the library among my books. I suppose I do need to focus more on my studies. Dad got his wish. I have friends but my best friends.... I love them to death. Funny how this seems to happen. I bring a group of random people together to be really good friends then my personality wrecks me being in the group. (Okay so I am being all downery here but well its happened before) I try. Oh god only knows how hard I try. Goodness God is probably sending me to hell for how hard I try. I love them to death as I haven't any other of my friends. I in no way wish that I was dealt a different hand.

I just have hard time balancing it all. Work Zoe, School Zoe, Friend Zoe, Zoe Zoe. Zoe Zoe has been feeling a little left out. School Zoe either goes to Friend Zoe or Work Zoe. Work Zoe that stupid bubbly person who loves everyone even that woman who has been fishing in her purse for 20 minutes. School Zoe is very similar to Work Zoe. Happy go lucky to everyone (except when No Sleep Zoe comes out) but really would rather be anywhere but where she is. Friend Zoe is the pleaser. She just wants her friends to be happy no matter what. That Zoe is a like a new Zoe altogether it seems. Its hard to explain but little Zoe Zoe gets all her personal secrets that make her blush just thinking about half of them. Now Batman has to be even more pissed because my soul hasn't been spilled.

I have too many Zoe it seems. Wow this rant is becoming really long and has gotten nowhere. I just really needed to spill my guts to someone other than the other me. God I sound like I have mental problems that need to be sorted out. I need a fucking breather. From being me. Seriously I have started walking to get into a better shape and even stuck my fingers down my throat a few time. How that works I don't know. I gag but I think I just have this thing where I won't throw up no matter what. Too much gossip girl I guess but it seems to work. I love me but not the body of me. Sex talks make me self conscious because I think about how no one wants to see anything under my shirt.

I think I am a creepy sex addict but not. Its kind of odd. The crap I read cannot be healthy sex. Well its not healthy sex because if that it health someone needs to redefine healthy. BDSM could I suppose be very bonding (ha ha I love that pun) but hopefully not the ones I read. Now people know who I am so I am not going to reveal what I read its really embarrassing the stories I like.

Its like a spill all your secrets night for me apparently. Yay! :P This is all going to come and bite me in the ass one day. Although one thing for Batman to remember I haven't been on mugglenet since she banned me (April Fools I was told I was allowed). Its quite amazing too. I think she banned me off of TLC too but HPANA will have to suffice then I suppose. Endless amounts of websites I could get my HP news from. And if banned from all Google is still fucking amazing. That was a sad cry to take me back. HP. I am really pathetic.

Anywho I said I was cold at the beginning and I still am. Just to let you know if you are dedicated enough to read this much of my crap. I don't know how to be more happy. I suppose I attempted it here. I loved me oh right thats not a good thing either... damn okay uhhuhhuhh... Dokkie- gets all odd when I go on about how amazing he is. Instead just insults me it seems but its his way of love... he is pretty fantastic at insults though.

Well this is just dragging on because I had more dark secrets to spill but I chickened.

Until The Next Song,
Zoë

Loner Loser Rant

Feeling A Little: Loner Loserish
Playing A Little: My Freeze Ray by Neil Patrick Harris
Recommending A Little: Dr. Horrible's Sing- A- Long Blog
Recommending A Little Music: The Academy Is... (New and Old)

Okay so I have decided that it would be completely loserish to go through high school without having a boyfriend, even though we would almost definitely break up at the end of grade 12. I have always had this odd thing where I like a guy to like a guy then I tell Batman and I think there is a curse on telling her. He either turns out to be a creepy, or not single. Just my luck eh? But I think I just choose some random guy to have a crush then kind of be like oh that was stupid. Why I feel the need for a boyfriend I don't know but I suppose I would like to actually feel what its like to be in a relationship. Hopefully I am more relationship savvy than eeGore, if he bugs you logic dictates that you break up with him even if you have plans to play a video game 2 weeks from that date.

Any who my love woes are just an odd quirk of mine. Should work on that because really I am just fine in all my wonderful singleness but I don't know I guess it would be nice to be that girl who gushes about her boyfriend or complains because... he forgot the 4 months 2 weeks and 3 day anniversary. Okay well I am probably not very much like that but it just seems so lame not to date in high school.

On another note I am actually speaking to my father again. Of course we had this big long argument which ended with me sobbing and him hugging me. Suppose that is a step up though because it was almost a week since I had last talked to him. We have an odd relationship. Really odd.

Now there was not much more to this blog other than a little loner loser rant. I need to become more normal I think.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe

In Which I Go On A Rant

Feeling A Little: Blah.
Playing A Little: That Sinking Feeling by Emma- Lee
Recommending A Little: Dirty Sexy Money. An amusing TV show that just gets better as the episodes go on.
Recommending A Little Music: The Cab

This week was very quick. September was even quicker. Now I can officially say the school year has begun when the days begin to melt into weeks and the weeks, months. I can't really complain about that because its not like I mind the school year being over insanely fast. One thing I will complain about is now begins my father's insisting about university and all that crap. Right now I am hiding in my room because after our last argument I really would rather not see him happy. He is being a complete ass about this university thing. He made his mistakes and that is that but I am NOT him. I am completely different and really now I am going to end up in the same boat he is in if he does not stop with all this pressure. Why would I go to school if all I do can be done better? Yes I slack but sometimes I do put my full in and this year I am attempting to do that more. But my father doesn't know how I work even though he tries.

On that he always preaches that I can be anything I want to be, that is something that earns lots of money. I proposed going to study Classics at Cambridge and apparently that is taking the easy way out. Yes I find Latin relatively easy to study but it does get hard at the higher levels, especially since part of classics is Greek and I have no course for Greek. Oh and how am I going to make money with such a degree? Why not work in a place that I fall in love with every time it is on TV? Working at the British Library would be like a dream come true. The history (and dirty underwear, it was what paper was made out of) would be wonderful and true I wouldn't be on my way to being a millionaire working there but I would be happy and have a lifetime supply of books.

French is acceptable though. I could get a high paying job in a French based career, so its fine. I do love french the way it flows and how I could actually get along with it, but Latin has such a history. I love the Roman Empire and Latin helps in history. Sure the French have history but does it stretch thousands of years back, are election slogans still inscribed on walls in french? No and its fun reading about the people, and read old texts in the way they were intended to be read. Maybe I would even rewrite those Latin textbooks, possibly attempt to make the girls look like girls. It would be fun to write those stories too because I swear the people at Oxford were like what would be the oddest thing for Quintus and his father to do? Their answer was obviously standing and staring at a building or having some drunk tell them to go away. Yes Latin most likely will not be making a come back but there is still so much more to learn and a huge part of history is written in it.

Okay. Now I think I am done my rant. It pisses me off though how I have to make tons of money doing what ever I decide to do to be successful. You watch those textbooks will be so fucking fantastic that everyone buys one even if they have no desire to read/learn Latin. Then I will have tons of money. Again I must pull myself from a rant. Basically that is what my week has been like though. One hit after another (don't even ask about that Math test) and Batman is pissed off because I am being too pessimistic. I do believe I have been okay at not revealing too much of how I feel. I have been a tumble of emotions that would most likely cause a huge fight between Batman and I if I was to let them do anything but sit in that corner.

But my week has not been all horribleness because Batman, Instead and I went to a football game. It was an absolute blast. I cannot wait to go to another one. My dedication is not so much that I would go to an away game but it is fun because Instead cheers when his players are hurt and Batman tries to follow the game. I enjoy dancing to the music and getting hit by Batman for being a retard. Twas funny though when the players (2 of them) were dancing on the field. It was quite fun to see that the other players did not find it as funny. High school football games make me feel more teenagerish.

Randomly because this like just happened. My power went off. Tis fun. I should be careful this doesn't get deleted because I have wireless internet so I am no longer connected (the box plugs into the wall). This amusing though because I am sitting in the dark with my laptop as my only light. I have no natural light though because a few weeks ago I smashed a hole in the window. Okay now this is being stupid. I think the power should return now so I can post this insanely long thing.

Before the power was going out I was going to go on this blah thing I have about guys. Maybe it is because I am very self conscious but it is getting slightly annoying. I seem to only be able to talk to gay guys. I don't know what my big deal is about having a boyfriend but it just seems to be the ultimate loserish thing to not date in high school. Okay so realistically I have 2 years to go until I am crowned the ultimate loser but at this rate that crown is totally mine! This is sort of random but every once and a while I just randomly think about things like that.

Okay so the power is still gone so I shall save (on my computer) until it is back but I have blathered on enough.

Until The Next Song,
Zoe